Pretty Darned Proud of Myself

I got home this evening from my trip to New England and I must say I am very proud of myself! I did not over indulge in any way! I allowed my self little treats here and there (a bowl of icecream, a small Del's Lemonade...) but I made wise choices the whole time.

One of the things that often comes up in my therapy is that things "are what they are". I am learning to have less expectations and that is a good thing all around.
For instance, when I arrived to visit my brother (who I haven't seen in a year) and he said "I can't hang out with you tonight because Mike's coming over and we are going to watch the game.." instead of being super annoyed like I usually am when he blows me off, I just recited in my head "It is what it is, he is no different than usual" and it really helps.

I think that mantra is appropriate with weight loss. The scale says what it says. My response to what it says is what is going to predict any future change whether it be in numbers or in peace of mind.

I'm glad to be home.

Going East

I'll be out of town until Saturday so there won't be any blog updates. I'm leaving with kind of an upset stomach so that might help with my usual penchant to overeat when I visit family!

Kind of bummed because I won't really be able to train for my C25K..but it's just a 4 day break..my knees could probably use the break.

Happy rest of your week!

Good Things Come to Those who Wait

FINALLY, the scale moved! I haven't been writing much about the actual weight, just updating my ticker when it goes down. It hadn't gone down in 10 days. I wasn't terribly surprised since I had my monthly visitor but it was a bit frustrating. I was incredibly proud of myself this week though as I weighed every day, hoping that it would go down even .5 lbs so I could update a loss. I did not feel depressed, hopeless, apathetic.. I was very aware that TOM can mess up water retention and I just weighed and waited. Yesterday, all of a sudden I was going to the bathroom it seemed every 5 minutes...bye bye water! Hello scale loss!

ON a not good note, I just feel down the stairs and popped something in my already pre-arthritic knees..hopefully it doesn't mess with my workout plans today...GRRRR...

Also I am HALF WAY to my first goal (of weighing less than a baby elephant!) Once I reach that I will also be less than I've ever been here on my blogs. I think in January 2010 I hit 253.5 and then it was all over...gained 30 lbs back in less than a year. I look forward to breaking that weight soon!

Heading into Battles

Wednesday I leave for New England with my girls. We'll be flying out Wednesday and returning Saturday PM. I feel strong but every time I go to visit family I come home with no determination for anything. (and then I gain 40 lbs) My brother and I are on the outs (as usual). I just need to take lots of breaths and be mindful of each moment and not stuff things in my mouth when the moments aren't wonderful. I've got a good plan of where I am going, who I am seeing, so it will all be fine, right? I'm hoping so!

I'm also a little nervous to head into week 2 of C25K. 90 seconds of jogging at a time
. I know it's not alot but still, lugging this 269 lb body around takes a lot of energy.

Battles. May I be victorious!

Completed Week 1 of C25K

Even though it was Easter, I was determined to complete Week 1 of the Couch to 5 K Program. We packed the family and the dog into the van and went to a nearby park with a limestone trail. I still feel I need to control my breathing, but I recover very easily. I think I might want to get an IPOD because as the distance of jogging gets longer it is a lot harder to do without music. I run with a timer so I know when I'm supposed to walk and run, but I need something smaller. Mother's Day is coming up....

It was a fabulous day. We tried a new church (we are forever looking for a church it seems). We were doing quite well at the mega church we were going to, but then a very ugly side of the pastor came out during a sermon and we felt uncomfortable going there. I know everyone has an ugly side, but it just made us wonder how sincere is this pastor who was mad that something didn't go his way and then said "Don't come up to me and tell me it just wasn't God's will. Not everything that happens in this world is God's will" Meh.

The church today was very small - about 40 people or so. It was nice to sing the traditional hymns. We left a small church when we had our kids because we wanted them to grow up with kids in church...now they are in school they have lots of friends so maybe it isn't needed as much. I think we like the idea that we can use our giftedness for good in this church. We shall see...

I had a few girls from my book club over. I had bought each plate a Lindt Chocolate Bunny...only one girl took it home...! I however have not eaten one! I'm amazing! I did eat two small Hershey Miniatures but that's it. That's all! I'm rockin' it! Now if only my period would end so the scale would move a bit....

Happy Easter!! Thank you Jesus!

I did something for 43 days....

I have completed the official Blood Water Mission 40 days of just water. No soda, no coffee, no juice..I even cut out milk! In turn we were to donate what we would have spent on those things to the Blood Water Mission that helps in African communities to bring fresh water by digging and building ..things that can sustain help. They also help with AIDS orphans. As a family we did this (the kids had a Mommy Modified version) and we saved about $175.00 by only drinking water for 40 days. That sounds like a lot..but my husband drinks a coffee a day at $1.00 a day. The kids drink a juice a day for about $2 per week, and I was drinking almost 48 cans a week of Diet Coke. That was about 7 a day! Since Walmarts prices went up to almost $7.00 a case, that is $14 per week in Diet Coke.
Often I was buying water at the fitness center for $1. It sure adds up. We are glad to be able to donate this money to an organization like this.

The bigger thing is that I actually Did something for more than 40 days!! I can't remember the last time that I did anything for 40 days in a row! The possibilities of what I can do seem amazing to me! :)

Happy day!

I Passed Up the Chocolate!!!

Today is Good Friday. The girls were off school and they've been begging to go to Golden Corral for a month now but I'm a cheapskate so I wanted to wait until I could get the Lunch buffet and not the dinner. So the three of us went for lunch and I had pretty darn great self control. I started with a green salad with some grilled chicken and ham pieces. I got a small spoonful of fried rice, a couple of small pieces of asian chicken, a small spoonful of mashed potatoes, one small piece of bbq chicken and some pieces of melon. And I ate one roll. So compared to previous trips to Golden Corral I rocked my self control. As I watched others walk by with plates piled 2 or 3 layers high with fried chicken and stuffing and pork steak, etc...I felt at peace with myself and my choices.

And for dessert (and I wasn't about to NOT have dessert)..I passed by all the cobblers and german chocolate cake (yum) and black forest cake, and fudge, etc, etc...I instead took one small scoop of banana pudding, one small piece (like a 2 inch by 2inc) of banana bread and then got some vanilla soft serve ice cream. That, my friends, is a huge victory. To not choose chocolate!

One thing I did notice was that when I came home I was incredible munchy. I don't know if that relates to having a bit higher sugar intake than I have had in the past month or not. I ate 2 bananas but then I went to the gym and then had an apple for supper.

Couch to 5 K Week 1 Day 2 was a success. A bit harder. I think I need to do it in the morning early afternoon and not at 4:00. I was tired.

Hearing my Body

We've all heard the saying that we have to "listen to our bodies" to decide if we are hungry, thirsty, in pain, during exercise,etc. I really think that I haven't been able to hear my body from all the junk food and diet coke I was putting into it.

For example. Yesterday I lashed out verbally at my daughter for no really good reason. Then while watching Parenthood I cried and cried. I heard my body saying "PMS". Before, these things happened so frequently that I could never really tell if I was getting TOM or not. Food can wreck havoc on your mood. It has forever for me.

I'm feeling more now that I am not numb to the food. I'm hearing and listening to my body.

C25K Day 1 - A success!

I got out my new shoes and headed over the fitness center this morning to do my first day of Couch to 5K. Now it is a 9 week program but I have almost 6 months, so at any rate I should be able to improve by then :). I'll walk it no problem, but would like to jog most of it (or at least as much as I can)

Week 1 is alternating 60 seconds of jogging with 90 seconds of walking for a total of 20 minutes. I was a bit winded from the jogging, but it was not too difficult.

I will be repeating this 2 more times and depending how I feel on try number 3, I may just do this 2 weeks in a row.

:) Happy Day!

Mourning into Morning...

This may seem very harsh to some, but I have such freedom in my heart and mind since my mother died. My mother left when I was 3 and I did not see her again for 25 years. Sometimes she called, but mostly she didn't. I had no connection with her at all. I grieved a lot during life for the things she wasn't, the things I didn't have, the things I didn't learn.

After she died, I felt a release, like I could live free now. That a chapter that had bogged me down had finally ended. She is no longer around to NOT give me the love I so desperately needed in my life. I was never really waiting for her to do it, but I think I spent so long mourning the stuff I didn't know because of her that I never did anything about it.

For example: Styling my hair. I have used the excuse of growing up with only males as a reason why I don't know how to do anything with my hair. Last week I went to a salon and had the stylist show me how to do my hair with the round brush and flat iron. She was wonderful and actually let me bring my tools and had me do it while she supervised.

Another thing: My female body. It was something I was never comfortable with (again growing up with males). I'm beginning to embrace it. I went to a bra party a few weeks ago. I'm learning more about that special area there... I'm even taking better care of my teeth, making them whiter. I've bought some jewelry, I'm shopping for more fashionable clothes. Getting mani/pedis. I feel like now I can become a woman, instead of an abandoned little girl.

This all may seem strange, seeing as I am a 36 year old woman. But every day I am learning something new about myself and it is refreshing. It's like a brand new morning, a new day, a new start.

Death freed my mother from this earthly life, and it freed me from a sorrowful past.

Momma's got a new pair of shoes!

So I did a whole lot of reading up on overweight people running/jogging and although there is a whole lot of "STOP before you hurt yourself" type of comments, there is also a lot of good information. Every single place that talked about overweight running (and I'm really looking to jog not to run) said the first thing that is a must is correct shoes!

I went to a specialty running shop and there the owner scanned my feet, which showed where the pressure points were (mostly in the heels). She then watched me walk and told me that my feet over pronate (which means something like they roll in). This apparently is a very common problem with overweight people. To fix this, they recommend a Motion Control shoe. I must confess I thought this at first sounded like it came with an electrical gadget to pump your shoe so you are walking right...ah..no siree! Really it is just a rather flat footed shoe with good arch support and a very supportive heel. I also bought some inserts to offer even more protection. This is pretty much what they look like:
http://www.onlineshoes.com/womens-brooks-addiction-9-infinity-pearl-twilight-p_id169271

Let's hope they will work as well as they should. I think they are the most expensive shoes I've ever owned :)

Today my shins hurt a little from my 3.1 mile walk yesterday, but I still went out for BodyFlow this AM.

Happy Day!!

Walking on Sunshine

Today I walked 3.1 miles. I wanted to see how long it took me to do it walking and how out of shape I felt. It wasn't that bad. It took me about 50 minutes (but that was with a hurting foot because the back of my sneaker was digging into my foot, walking about 2/10 of a mile in just a sock and changing sneakers at home after the first loop) I wasn't very winded at all and probably could have walked more at that 4MPH pace. I picked up some CD's at the library made by SHAPE Magazine that keep a steady beat to keep you on pace. I figure if I can do this now, 6 months away from the 5K I signed up for, then I will have no problem finishing the race without keeling over! :)

Happy Trails!

What fasting Diet Coke has done for me

I had a lovely lunch yesterday with a dear friend who is very inspired by my discipline of going over a month without Diet Coke. She asked me what good it has done for me (besides the obvious benefit of drinking more water). It occurred to me that my cravings for sugary treats is nearly gone. There has been an unopened bag of Hershey Miniatures on my counter for 3 days and I am not even tempted to break into it! Amazing, no? I know somewhere along the line I had read that Diet coke (and I suppose any soda pop) can cause cravings, but I never gave it much thought until my friend asked me what was better without DC. I still cannot say my brain is any more clear headed (what I had hoped for) but I am becoming convinced of some evil of the drink I have loved my whole life. I may just keep on going without it!

I had a fabulous day today shopping at a Plus Sized Boutique! Store in Chicago called Vive La Femme. I got 3 summer sleeveless tops, A summer dress and an AWESOME black and white fancier dress! I loved the experience. The women on the floor pulled stuff for you to try on. Now not everything they pulled was great, but it was just so fun to have someone wait on you like that! You don't get that kind of service in Department stores. And it was just awesome that it was a boutique. LOVED IT!

I Just Did Something Crazy!!

I just did something crazy...inspired by other bloggers and RL friends who do these sorts of things...

I registered for a 5k Run/Walk. Now, not any old race, mind you...

The World's Largest Corn Maze Run 5k! Check it out here
http://www.allcommunityevents.com/cornmaze/wlcm_run_home.html

What I love about this:
1) It's not until October 16th. (6 months to train and get my speed up)
2) It's in October so it will be cooler weather
3) It's in a freaking corn maze!!
4) There will be no spectators of the overweight me trying to run.
5) It supports the Special Olympics.
6) It's in a freaking corn maze!!! (It deserved twice the love!)

So I'm going to train using the couch to 5k training found here
We'll see how it goes...Crazy, right?

Water, Water Everywhere!

I have been officially Diet Coke Free for an entire month!! This is amazing. I do feel like I've been set free from it!. I've been drinking diet soda (or pop) since I can remember. My Nana used to give me Diet Pepsi, but Diet Coke won the taste test for me! It had gotten to a 6 pack a day habit (at least) which is pretty much 2 Liters of Diet Coke a day! (with caffeine). I somewhat have justified my habit saying that most of Diet Coke is water, it has no calories, yada yada yada. But I was addicted to the stuff. Certain foods (like Chinese or chocolate) triggered cravings of it. Stress was a huge indicator in how much Diet Coke I drank. Feeling blue, mad, sad, happy - drink a Diet Coke! Sometimes I would wake up in the middle of the night and just HAD to have a glass or can of the DC.

I still can't say that I feel a huge difference physically by not having the caffeine. I only had a headache for one day, but mentally knowing that I am putting only what is healthy in my body each day is satisfaction.

I'm only supposed to stay DC free until Easter (as part of the Blood Water Mission Project) but I might just be keeping on...If I can break such an addictive habit, I can do anything! :)

As Time Goes By...

I haven't been posting about losses or gains in my daily posting lately, instead choosing to update my ticker when I record a loss. I think this is helping me. Even though I do weigh myself every day, I'm not blogging about how the scale didn't move for 6 days even though I was nearly perfect with my eating. And somehow this is helping me. I think when I don't dwell on it every day then I am more likely to stay positive. Even though I haven't lost any particular day, I still see my ticker that says 10.5 lbs gone. It's a positive reinforcement. It has me looking at what I've done well so far.

I had to actually look at a calendar to figure out how long I've actually been doing well and it has been almost 3 weeks! (with the one slip up!)

Last night I went to my monthly Mom's Group at Panera and I was tempted to get a pastry. On a whim I asked the server if he knew how many calories was in a French Croissant: 310. So I said, well how bout that small carrot muffin? - 500!! And the cinnamon roll? Over 600! And the pecan roll? 730!!! I never imagined such small things would have so many calories. My choice? A fruit cup - 60 calories!

Celebrating Celery

I love celery. Plain old boring celery. Sometimes I will sprinkle salt on it, occasionally I will put peanut butter on it, but mostly I eat it plain. It's mostly water. Few calories.

Today I am switching clothes and pulling out things that are out of fashion to me or I just don't want anymore to give to charity. I love getting rid of things.

I love getting rid of pounds too!

Coincidence? I think not!

So I had a fairly bad eating weekend (not as bad as some days past, but not great in comparison to the last 2 weeks!). It really was no surprise to me as I analyzed what was going on that the eating happened after I had booked my trip to New England to see family and was trying to coordinate visiting with people. When one friend couldn't see us either of the two days I was available, instead of saying "We'll catch you next time" she said "You should have called me before you booked your flight!" and sounding very upset that I wouldn't be seeing her. (even though in 4 years I have flown to New England no less than 8 times and she has come to Chicagoland 0 times. This sent me into a maelstrom of emotions - "Why do I have to check with her. I have my own plans, my own life!" And then I ate. Of course if I didn't have ice cream sandwiches in my freezer to start with there wouldn't have been that big of a problem, but I did. I ate 6 ice cream sandwiches in a sitting. The calorie count wasn't horrific...each one had 120 calories so really it was only about 720 calories total, but still...I was feeding an emotion....

Just Grow Up Already!!!

This was my comment to myself this morning. On my walk with Fenway (our awesome dog - the first of the season!) I realized that in some ways my emotional behavior is no better than it was when I was 22 than it is at 36. I'm not talking just with food, but with people and relationships. I am a people junkie. I love to know people, be invited places by people, be social, have lots of people read my blog (haha!). I know this is a product of my very unsocial childhood and lonely adolescence where I was accepted into a group of friends, but I was noone's "BFF!"

In my 20's when I was working and meeting people, anytime people went out, I went along. It didn't matter if I didn't like the activity. I went! I also was a Chatroom queen, making "friends" all over the country. (Remember, this is Pre-Facebook!) So I had a string of friends that were really acquaintances. Fast forward to today. I joined that book club last October and have met some great people. We do stuff together, but I realized that I am having those junkie feelings again. I'm trying to decide about swim lessons for the kids and I thought "Oh, I can't really do Saturdays because what if the book club girls want to do something...." Oh, Jodie...I haven't come so far in the last 15 years.


That desire for love and acceptance goes much deeper than weight. So I am trying to put my foot down on myself from doing this. I am going to New England for 4 days at the end of April, and I am going to do my darnedest to keep the ball in my court and not try to change my plans to accommodate everyone else. I am just as important. My life is just as important. I must stop waiting for everyone and just live my life.

Time is Tickering Away!

So my pain has still subsided. I was a little achy this morning so I took one of the Meloxicam and I really haven't had any problems today. I did Body Pump this evening and the only thing that was questionable was the ab workout (which might have been the problem to start with!) Keep sending your good wishes my way!

I decided to use tickers on this blog - something I haven't done before but I think is beneficial. The first is the lbs lost ticker. The first goal was to weigh the same as a baby elephant (which was to be 35 pounds less). The second is a 3 month goal of exercising 75 hours. I've really like updating them each time it is necessary. They are both short term goals that are attainable. And I like seeing the little elephant racing towards the goal!! (and there is nothing depressing about either one!)

Good night!

I think I've had a huge breakthrough!!

I realized either yesterday or today that even though it's been on again/off again, since August of 2009 I have been consistently aware of my body and haven't thrown in the towel completely. Sure there are times months go by and then I get back on the horse. But I realized that I keep returning after a few months. Months, NOT years!! I'm still blogging...I haven't given up! This is monumental for me. Usually I do something 6 weeks, then I give up, then a few years later I say 'OK, I'll try again!" But lately the times get shorter and shorter in between. That's an awesome thing!

So I'm not in pain today, so whatever prayers or good wishes people sent worked! I went in for a spin class and then a weight class, but opted out of the abs part of the class for fear of hurting whatever was the problem.

Have a great evening!

A Big Fat Medical Mystery!

That's what I am. Apparently there are no major organs where my pain is, so the doctor doesn't think it is a hernia. She just kept saying "strange", when I would describe that the pain is only when I stand, and it's not like a pulled muscle. She pushed in a bunch and didn't feel anything wrong. She ran another urinalysis and took some blood. She prescribed some prescription anti inflammatory medication and said in a week or so if it is not better we should proceed with the cat scan. (which freaks me out - because I really don't want to drink barium!)

So praying people, please pray and non praying people, send some good wishes that this will all just blow over!

:)

Possible Hernia!!

Ugh...went into immediate care today because I have had this sharp pain in my abdomen since at least Tuesday. It only hurts when I have been standing up for any period of time. I exercised all week with no problems, but I walked around the grocery store and I was bending over in pain.

The MD thinks it could be a hernia because of where it is and the type of pain. He also said it could be something to do with scar tissue from my gall bladder surgery, which was like 15 years ago...I forget exactly what the issue would be. So, he wants me to go to PCP this week and probably get an ultrasound to see what it is for sure.

He did say that I could continue doing anything that I'm comfortable doing and don't do things I'm not comfortable with. I hope it's not a hernia, because that would require surgery.

On the plus side I had a huge NSV when I didn't eat the entire contents of my cupboards and fridge when I found out the potential news. We did have ice cream as a special treat after dinner, but anytime I can deal with a stressful situation without stuffing my face is a victory!

I'm a "Fruit"cake!

I love fruit. I really LOVE it. But just like anything I love, I can easily over indulge. Seriously, I can eat 6 bananas at a time, that's how much I love them. Fresh Pineapple? Just give me a fork and knife! But alas, overindulging in these good things doesn't really help me that much mentally or physically. Fruit still raises insulin levels, and honestly binging is binging, whether it is bread, chips, cookies, or bananas. So, we do not have bananas in our house. Really it is pointless because I can't seem to control myself around them. So, I don't buy them. I have more control over grapes and cuties and apples and strawberries and blueberries, etc...so I buy those. The things I know I won't go crazy on. I think we must be that conscious of our eating habits of bad AND good things when we shop.

Please feel free to add me to your blog rolls! Even though I changed blogs to be more *private*, that really only applies to my non virtual people! I get so much encouragement here..I need it! So bring it on!