Friday, January 29, 2010

Cardio Princesses

The trainer at the fitness center (that lost 200 lbs) has a term for the women who go every day and do the elliptical or run for 1 hour. They are the cardio princesses. They would never step into the testosterone filled area of weights (unless they were hitting on the muscle men!). While these women may build endurance, they aren't really building muscle or transforming their bodies. I am not a cardio princess, but I DO enjoy spinning. It burns calories and can be a tough workout for my legs if I choose it to be. Today I did 22 minutes of Spin and burned over 200 calories. My little mermaid had swimming lessons so I couldn't do the entire class. Normally I take Body Flow on Fridays, but my arms/chest/shoulders were too sore from yesterday that I needed to do a legs only cardio today. I will say I don't like to go to the weight area for a few reasons

A) I don't like being one of the only women among a bunch of men. I feel embarrassed because I think. "These poor men..the only woman they have to look at in the area is me"

B) I don't really know what I'm doing. Sure I've seen it done and read about it, and I take Body Pump, but free weights are a whole different story. How many reps, how many sets,what weight? What is it supposed to feel like?

C) It's so SLOW. I don't like breaks. I know you are supposed to have rests in between sets, but that's so BORING. And I don't know if it's okay to do crunches while I'm supposed to be resting. Can I walk a lap, or is that too long of a rest. How long is too long?

I do plan soon on meeting with a trainer for a 1 hour session to learn these things. I know that strength training is vital to my efforts, and vital if I don't want to look like a blob of melted marshmallow when I lose the weight.

Weigh in 256.6!! YAY! This is the lowest I've been since 2004!

Here's a comparison from October to Now

OCTOBER 10, 2009 JANUARY 29, 2010

Thursday, January 28, 2010


I'm an admirer. I admire looks and personality and ability and character and determination. I'm an admirer or all things good. Sometimes I get into a thought pattern which may not be that good about it though. I often hope some day someone will admire me in the ways I admire other people. It's not a pedestal thing. It's a true, honest, I wish I could be more like that thing. It's not claiming that someone is all around better, but that someone is better in that one thing that I admire. I like to tell people that I admire them too. The only time I ever felt admired was when we adopted our children and to be honest, I was rather annoyed by this admiration. I think mostly because loving is not a hard thing for me. It was not hard to love my children, to do what was best for them. After all, I didn't have that growing up. Maybe there was a bitter part in me because of that that wouldn't allow for any admiration. I was always closer to other people than my own family so it wasn't hard to love a non biological child. I think it always bothered me because these were always people I felt didn't love me enough. I don't know..right now I'm therapy typing...I digress.

But I want to be admired. I want to be a person that gets called for advice about something/anything. I want to be someone that others talk about it a great way. Is this totally self centric? Perhaps - well, yes. But I know how it is to be the one admiring. I guess I'd like to be the one admired someday. I admire my readers too for different things. Some of you have been with me from the beginning (August) and through your stories I have come to admire you. I might embarrass some of you, but I'm going to anyway, because I believe in encouraging people and letting them know what you think of them.

Leslie - I admire your commitment to sobriety and your children. Your love for them truly shows and for 18 years you have chosen to live in the present with them. It's amazing.

Patsy - I admire your dedication to squats. Seriously. AND more importantly your cheery disposition. I don't think I've ready many "Woe is me" posts from you.

Chris - I admire your "kick aS$" attitude. I wish I were a little more hard core like you! WHen I think of you, I think "ROCK ON!"

Sarah - I admire your faithfulness to your family and to church even when you have your own sickness.

Steph - I admire your eternal optimism and ability to not be jaded by all of us "sinful" people. (and your ability to play Barbies)

Kev - I admire your ability to put up with the emotional mess that I am. I might not be able to do the same if our roles were reversed. I love you.

There is always something to admire about people. Sometimes you have to look close, but it's there.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

I need a Plan

I don't mean a weight loss plan because I have one of those...but I need a DAILY plan. What I am going to do from 7 AM until 10 PM, because honestly, the hours just roll together these past few days and I accomplish nothing apart from eating, blogging, talking on the phone and keeping up my Farm on Farmville. Hey that's 4 things! And I guess I do feed my children, get them dressed and read to them. So that's 7. And I did go to Bible study today...8. Okay so I get some things done, but not enough. Not nearly enough because I'm kind of bored. And when I'm like this I watch repeats of Grey's Anatomy on my computer and forget about the fitness center. I'm still eating fine and having great food days and I probably wouldn't feel so darn bored and tired if I got off my tush and went to the fitness center. I love my fitness center, but part of the problem is that there are classes almost all day, so I can just wake up and say "Today I'll go to...whatever at whatever time." But not having a succinct plan of what I'm doing on which days is a bit detrimental because I let other things determine my day BEFORE I plan on exercising rather than letting my exercise plan determine my day. So today, it was COLD. Brutally. And I hadn't decided what time I was going to exercise yet. was COLD. So I didn't plan. If I had planned first BEFORE I went outside, and found out about the cold, I might have gone. My brain is whacked...yes!

At Bible Study today they talked about commitment. The speaker said "True commitment is demonstrated by death to self and fruitfulness." While this was meant to be speaking about Jesus' death I really thought about it from a personal perspective. Death to self, meaning giving up what I want (ie chocolate chip cookies) for fruitfullness (weight loss). If I'm honest, I don't always have true commitment. I'm not always willing to give up or "die" to my bad behaviors or self for weight loss. Apparently I haven't been dying to self these last few days, as I've just bummed around the house. So am I committed? Maybe not enough. I want to lose weight. I AM losing weight. But I want to be TRULY committed. I need to be willing to radically alter my normal "lifestyle" so that I can lose the weight. I need to PLAN. True commitment for me, means making a plan.

My Plan for tomorrow: 9:15 Body Pump and 10:30 Body Flow

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Why are you being so mean?

My 4 year old daughter asked me this today when I packed up and put away a bunch of toys that she refused to pick up. She's a dumper and somehow delights in dumping bins of toys in piles in the toy room. I am thankful for our toyroom that nooone can see this mess unless they are IN the room. So this morning I said they had until tennis lessons to pick it up OR I was going to pack up the stuff. My daughter says, (get this!) "Well, that's okay because then it will be less toys I have to pick up!" I gave them a lot more time than I said I would (mostly because I need to remember that they are 4 and NOT 14 sometimes) but finally about 2:30 (after plenty of warnings) I said it was time. And the screaming commenced. NO MOM, NO, NOT THAT TOY. I LOVE IT! For over an hour this continued until the room was clean, and 4 gallon size ziploc bags full of toys were put onto a high shelf for either use in the distant future or a yard sale... After it was all done, she says to me "Why are you being so mean?" I think I replied, "Well you are being mean to mommy too, by not cleaning up your toys and by screaming so much." and then it got so late that I missed my Spin Class which made me sad. So no work out AGAIN. (Last night the weather was bad).

But I probably need to ask myself that question. "Why am I being so mean to myself, so often?" Why do berate myself over and over for a mistake I made that I am now trying to fix. Why do I call myself fat and ugly and stupid and worthless so much? Why do I think I am a terrible wife, friend, mother, all the time? Why am I so mean to myself when I have a slip, eat too much, not go to the gym. I'm dedicated (not nearly as much as Jack Sh*t getting fit!, but still!) to the journey so why do I beat myself up so badly for small mistakes? Are you mean to yourself? Maybe we should be nicer. Give ourselves consequences but then move on. I'm sure my children will dump their toys again another day. And they will have consequences, but I forgive and move on and don't hold it against them. I don't love them less because they scream at me that I'm mean. Maybe I need to treat myself more like that. Maybe I need to love myself more.

So as I tell my kids ALL the time! STOP being so mean!!!

Monday, January 25, 2010

When you Put it Like That...

I've been bemoaning since the beginning how I've lost a lot of weight from my upper body and not much from my lower body. However, I've recently read an article that suggested (I haven't found any "medical" or "scientific" articles about it yet) that we lose weight first from the last place we gained it. This would make absolute sense to me. My face and upper body were the last places I gained weight for certain. I was starting to move up into 3x shirts (thankfully now I'm near to a 1x on a good day). Meanwhile I've been in a size 24 jeans it seems forever. (even when I was almost 300 lbs I could squeeze into a size 24. I'm 40 lbs less and still wear the same pants size. This makes me feel a little bit better and realize that (hopefully - if this is correct), soon I will start to lose from my mid section. I'm posting a picture when I was about 300 lbs and how big my top really was...I hate it, but it's a good reminder. (aren't my babies cute!?)

So I'll spin later today..eating so far so good. Last night I allowed myself a piece of chocolate cake at a reception for one of our missionaries. He's been working in South Africa for the last year. Truth be told, I really didn't enjoy the cake. Not that it wasn't good, but I think that I'm just not used to that much sugar any more. It didn't make me happy. So then I chose to eat carrots and celery. (even when there were other sweets). I'm kind of proud of myself.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

My Blog Makes Me Happy

I love my blog. The layout. The bright colors. It is a general representation of my cheery disposition on most days. Sometimes I leave it open all day on my computer because the colors make me happy. I most likely will not be changing it for a long time. For my long time readers, they endured a month or two where I would change it every couple weeks!

Still doing well with food. Today I am snacking a bit, but I still think I'll be in a low calorie range...let's see...500 breakfast... 300 calories lunch....500 calories snacks...and probably a 300-400 calorie dinner. 1600 calories is pretty good. Normally I do NOT eat 500 calories in snacks...but I wanted cookies today. And celery with peanut butter. I often wonder who came up with the idea of dipping celery in peanut butter? I LOVE IT!

Oh and here's the most fun news of the day. I'm going to a taping of the Oprah Winfrey show!! February 19th I'll be heading into the city to an early morning taping. I won't know the topic, but my friend and I are hoping it is not something like child abductions! Maybe it will be Dr. Oz! Who knows? Maybe I'll come away with lots of freebees!

Have a great night!

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Do I REALLY need/want a workout buddy?

I have often thought, in jealousy of others in my classes, that I need a workout buddy. Just think, I'd have someone to motivate me, sweat with me, complain with me... I only know a handful of people at our fitness center and none of them work out in the same classes with me consistently.

Today, I had a friend meet me to workout. We were going to play tennis, but could only get an early court time so she agreed to do BodyFlow with me. I was a little excited, even though this friend and I have unresolved issues about something that happened in November (visit my archives to hear more on this), because it is the first person I have exercised with at the fitness center. This friend and I used to do water aerobics together a lot before I moved to my current home, so it's not the first time I've ever worked out with someone, but I was still a little happy.

After though I was kind of meh about the whole thing. I mean, we couldn't really converse or anything during class and then it was over and then we showered and after chatting a bit went our separate ways. She really isn't an active exerciser, although she plays volleyball for fun in a league. I think though, that I might just be selfish about the whole workout thing, and I'm okay with that. I mean, workout time is MY time. Time away from the kids to work on ME, doing the things I want to do, having free mental space. Maybe adding a friend into it would change that. I'm always happy to run into people I know at the fitness center but perhaps its best if I just say hi and workout on my own.

Off to the movies with hubby! Babysitter just arrived!

Friday, January 22, 2010

It's All Good

My sister in law has a habit of saying this ALOT. It really can be an appropriate response for a lot... I've had a great day - It's all good! or I messed's okay, it's all good!

Today it's a little bit of both. I am still feeling good (except the monthly annoyance). Day 3 of being good with eating and drinking water. I worked out this morning at BodyFlow and then used my free weights while watching the Tale of Despereaux with the kids.

My weigh in was not super. Thankfully I don't have to erase an "ACHIEVED" I will say that I have been weighing in before eating anything on Fridays but today I had breakfast and a big glass of water. Plus I have TOM and so I didn't expect much. I was below the 260's so I'm happy. So I either lost nothing or gained a small portion. Either way, It's ALL good.

A blog I read was talking about how even after you lose the weight, your mental state doesn't immediately fix itself. You are still the person who "used to be fat". You will always be that. It's kind of depressing because somewhere in our psyche I think we believe that once we get thin it will be like having a brand new life. People who don't know us will treat us better and look at us more (also spoken about in a blog I read) but those who do...well I wonder how long it would take people to forget about the "fat" part. I'm not too worried about that now, but I know I need to make sure to train my mind not to expect people to forget how fat I was for the entirety of my life in an instant just because I lost weight.

Still loving life today...because It's ALL good.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Help! My boobs are shrinking!!

Hah! Made you laugh! Seriously though, it's true. I got dressed to go out tonight and I looked at my shirt and it looked like my bra was not doing its job, if you know what I mean. Turns out it really was just extra fabric that had no place to go except to make a bump in the front of my shirt. Eek! You know I gripe that they make plus sized bras with too much fabric to begin with, but this is just crazy.

I've had another spot on day, including a killer spin class. I haven't sweated so much since I visited Tampa Florida years ago on a hot and humid August. I've even been great with water today, something I've been a little lax on lately.

AND I did get TOM, so my psychotic behavior of hating everyone and everything was somewhat justified. This is just one of the positive things. I have had regular cycles since I started this journey in August. Long ones, but regular, nevertheless. I have NEVER had regular cycles since I've gotten TOM so this is amazing to me.

I'm in a happy, life loving mood today!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

A Perfect Day

I've had a pretty perfect day.

I woke up on my own without the sound of two arguing children over who gets to snuggle on which side of me (one was still sleeping - one watching TV)

I went to Bible study. This week's thought: Don't equate Jesus' love for you with your circumstances.

I ate absolutely within my guidelines with no extra snacking

I did not feel the urge to yell at my children. (They still got in trouble for stuff, but I was able to be calm. This often equates to my eating and sugar intake I believe.

I worked out with Body Pump at the Fitness Center. There was a sub and it was Therese! Therese was the very first instructor I had of Body Flow and I just love her. I don't know why, we haven't had a lot of conversations and I haven't had a class of hers in ages but she remembers me. I think it was the way she was very encouraging to me especially since I am very overweight trying to do yoga positions that even thin people have trouble doing sometimes! Anyway, it just made my night. I think I even worked a little harder than usual!

The only down knee still hurts...I think it might be time for a visit to the ortho again. NOT the last one I went to who told me I shouldn't pick up my children, I should have gastric bypass and I should sell my just purchased house to buy a ranch. I won't be going back to him. EVER.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Losing Muscle? WTF?

Okay...if you don't know what WTF is, I won't tell you, but it's the response I thought when I learned today that I have lost almost one lb of lean muscle mass. I've lost 29 lbs of fat but not gained any muscle? How is this possible? How have I LOST muscle with the cycling and yoga and body pump and swim? UGH... I went to get some body fat analysis to help keep me motivated and while i have lost almost 5% of body fat since I started I still don't get how I have not gained muscle!

The trainer said that I might be able to do the things I couldn't before (like plank positions and pushups) because I weigh less, not because of gained muscle. *SIGH* I mean it's all good to have lost 30 lbs, but I really really thought I had gained muscle. Oh well. Off to celebrate one of my bestest friends birthdays!!!

The Old Days...

Monday, January 18, 2010

Ugh. Argh. Grrr..

Can you guess what type of mood I'm in. I'm hoping it is only PMS and I'll feel better once it starts, but seriously I hate everything and everyone. I have anxiety attacks as my children loudly and joyfully play in the house because it's just too loud and overstimulating. I had a free two hours today as my kids went to a birthday party. I did some errands of which was to a lovely little bakery run by French nuns where I got chocolate croissants. I feel like garbage right now.

If I ate better today and yesterday would I feel better? Probably yes. But I just have issues. Well, we ALL have issues, don't we? Today is my stinky brother's birthday and I have not called. This is hard for me because I ALWAYS do the "expected" thing. But seriously, for my birthday I got a late in the day Happy Birthday message on Facebook from him. We said 3 sentences to each other at Thanksgiving and he still hasn't mailed his nieces Christmas presents because he just forgot about it. Ahh...maybe if I could be just a bit like that and just forget people...

Hubby and I got into some big issues this weekend too...again probably not the best timing if it is PMS. He's stressed about the other house. I guess I'm cavalier about the things that are upsetting to him and he's cavalier about the things that upset me, like relationships. Balance really, but sometimes it's annoying.

Tomorrow is another day, always fresh with no mistakes in it.

Friday, January 15, 2010

It is what it is...

I know my title today sounds like this is going to be a depressing post about my weigh in today, but it's not. I'm at 258.9 which is better than my goal for this week by one pound! Seriously, it could have been better without my indiscretions of cookies and honey buns and cheetos, but I'm satisfied to not have gained. This also means I am finally out of the 260's! and my total loss since August is 31.1 lbs. Not terrible.

We met a few days ago with a financial advisor who after hearing our woes of having 2 mortgages for the last year just calmly approached it with the "It is what it is" philosophy. No second guessing, no looking back, just looking at where we can go from here and what we can do to better our financial future.

I need a better grasp on this philosophy and I think a lot of people in the same boat probably do too! I think if I could just accept that this weight I have now is what it is and stop being depressed about it and instead just focus completely (without judgement or second guessing) on what I can do to better my physical future. Simple concept, not always simple execution.

It is what it is....What will it be tomorrow?

Thursday, January 14, 2010

White Outside, Blue Inside

I haven't posted in a few days. I haven't had anything awful to report, thankfully, but nothing super great to report either. I've been to spin class 2 days this week. I don't remember what I did Monday. I've been in a blue mood, so I'm generally not inspired to write. The last couple of days I've been catching up on reading and commenting on blogs. I usually always read, but don't always comment, so I've been trying to do that so I can be as encouraging to others as they are to me.

Nothing wrong per se... always dealing with the sadness of my upbringing. A cousin of mine posted a picture of when she and I were babies, she 1, me probably 2 1/2. I have no pictures of me at this age. Apparently, when my mother left she took all those pictures. And my dad didn't really take many. I need to ask my aunts to send some to me. Then I won't have to be sad about it.

Also, we are trying to make the HUGE decision of whether to grow our family. For months we have thought that we would start to try in March. Well now that March is close, I guess I'm getting cold feet about it. Because of growing up most of my life without a mother and not having that model, good or bad, I feel like I'm flying blind while parenting. I take a little advice from here and there, use my instincts and pray to God I am not screwing up my kids. I put a lot of pressure on myself that probably doesn't need to be there. I mean just today I watched a movie with the kids, read them about 6-8 childrens books, played a game of Twister, did some lessons on spelling 3 letter words and went on a drive. The craziness says I need to play more games, do more things with them. Like I could spend every second doing things with thm and it wasn't enough. I think it must be like those stories you hear when kids aren't fed much in a bad family, and in the foster family they gorge themselves and horde food. I think maybe because I didn't have all this attention growing up that I stress about giving my kids enough. Somedays I probably give them too much!!! There are days that I burn out and give them little and plop them in front of the TV. That was my life everyday as a kid. Like everything, I know it's about balance.

So that, plus the idea that gaining weight after trying to lose it would be quite annoying and then kind of setting the clock back another 5 years. (The twins will be 5 in June). Hubby is 40 and I'm 35 so we have a little time yet, but ... oh...I don't know.

Anyhow...we'll see what the weigh in tomorrow is...I don't expect much either way, but it could be a little either way. :) Have a great day!

Monday, January 11, 2010

Stocked Up

I am feeling a bit more clear headed today although my knee still hurts a tad. I am trying to decide what is the best course of exercise today.

I realized too that yesterday we were low on food choices since I try to grocery shop on Mondays and I'm trying to be more frugal and use up what we have. I tend to buy a lot and then it sits on the shelves. So we've been eating what's available. Thankfully, for the most part, what was available are things I won't binge on, like Tuna Fish and soup. But I got a snacking urge and had no good food to choose from. All's well today since the first thing this morning we headed out for groceries. I need to be aware when the cupboards need stocking to prevent future incidents of body destruction via food. My favorite snacking items? Fruit (although I am trying to not have more than 2 a day), Fiber One Bars - (The Walmart brand is good too) and sometimes crackers or pretzels. I'm pretty simplistic.

Having an official weigh in day is a little hard for me. I'm still checking at home, but I live in this fear that when Friday rolls around it is going to be more. Completely bogus thinking for sure, but that's my brain.

Have a great day!

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Feeding a Cold

I know this really doesn't work, but somewhere it is hidden in my fight a cold, eat! So today has not been very good food wise. I'm stuffed up, didn't sleep well last night and just felt that eating would help make it better. It's hard to explain that my emotions weren't completely tied up in was more of a mechanical response that I realized was happening but really didn't think I should try to stop it. Of course I didn't feel any better after those cookies.... I need to reprogram this part of my brain. I don't get sick very often, so I'm not surprised that I haven't thought about my response when this happens.

On top of the cold, I woke up with a very sore knee. It was kneecap pain which takes me by surprise because I didn't hit the knee at all yesterday. It could be the cold and change from moist air to super dry air. It could be the squats or jumping jacks from the 30 day shred. I don't know. I just don't like it! I know some of my readers are dealing with a lot more severe pain then what I've got, and I don't want to be a cry baby. Just really don't want a determent.

Hopefully tomorrow I feel better.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

30 Day Shred

I like successful Biggest Loser stories. I figure Jillian Michaels and Bob...whatever his last name is, must be pretty decent at their jobs since these folks are losing lots of poundage. So I decided to check out the 30 Day Shred from Netflix. Most people who bought it on gave it good reviews. It's a 20 minutes work out incorporating, cardio/abs/weights.

It was pretty good. My darling hubby did it with me and concurred that it was a good workout. He distracted me quite a bit throughout the workout and made me laugh alot, so I probably could have worked out a little bit harder. I realize how much I know about exercise talk and proper form of lunges, squats and different moves. Hubby has never taken a class so the fundamentals were a little rough for him. I love him for trying it with me though!

My eating has been very good today. Last night we had dinner with friends and I had lasagna and bread and ice cream and a brownie for desert. There's a good feeling when you don't stress over one meal because you have eaten very many good meals in a row. When I'm struggling to stay on a good plan one more bad meal is cause for stress, but when I've been doing exceptionally well, I have the wherewithal to say "It's just one meal and it won't sabotage me" and it doesn't. Healthy Mind/Healthy Body.

I did my measurements today. I thought I had done the measurements when I started, but I don't have them anywhere on the blog. I'll have to look through my papers somewhere. We'll see where the weight goes from now on.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Breathing Through My Toes and Other Absurdities

I love my BodyFlow class...(except the name) and the last 10 minutes of each class is relaxation and meditation lying down, eyes closed, deep breathing. The instructor always reads through this meditation guide talking about letting go and breathing deep. She was reading a new one today that said "concentrate on your toes, let go of tension. Now take a deep breath and breath out through your toes." These things make me laugh. Maybe I just don't get it or don't have a good enough connection with my "inner being".. I don't know. This goes along with lifting the crown of my head. I just don't know how to do it.

Initially today I was going to write about the pros and cons of exercise. (REALLY!) It started because I was folding laundry first thing and it was most of my work out clothes. So I thought about the cons:

1. Laundry - I am thankful we have towel service at our fitness center. Otherwise the excess laundry would probably really deter me.

2. Sweat - I do not love being sweaty. I am enjoying it more these days, but generally I don't like to be hot. Our bedroom is at a very comfy 64 degrees all year round. (my husband sleeps with 3 blankets in July!

3. Time - I have time, so maybe its not really that but rather the EXTRA time it takes me to get the kids ready to go to the fitness center, make sure they go potty, that they have socks and shoes or shoes if they are wearing boots. Then signing them in, signing them out, listening to the whining that I took too long/not long enough and "Mom, can I pleeeeeeease have a snack from the snack bar, pleeeeeeease!?"

4. Pain/Soreness - Seriously, who really likes pain? I've grown accustomed to it after grueling workouts, but I could do with out it.

5. Dry Skin. Yes I blame exercise. Because it makes me sweaty, which makes me have to shower alot, which dries out my skin more than it already is. I could take cooler showers to help with this, but that's not going to happen.

Okay Okay so there are my cons. Don't worry I'm not going to stop exercising....The pros are better:

1. Weight Loss
2. Muscle Strength
3. Increased Endurance
4. Endorphins
5. Flexibility
6. Lower Blood Pressure
7. Lower Cholesterol
8. Better Body Tone
9. Break from the kids
10. Sauna/Steam Room

There are more....but already it is double the cons.

So official Friday weigh in....260.8! YIPPEE!

Thursday, January 7, 2010

You're Fired!!

No, I don't watch the Apprentice, but today I fired our real estate agent. Our 'other' house has been on the market for over a year and has not sold despite numerous price decreases. We just felt our realtor was not terribly concerned about selling our house, but since we've been paying two mortgages for a year, we really need to get rid of it!!! I love our house now, so I don't care so much about the loss we take in a declining market. I just want to stop writing two big checks every month.

Surprisingly this event has not caused me to binge eat. Most people would be stressed to the max with this situation, but I'm so ho-hum about it. My theory is: If I have money, great, if I don't - oh well! I'm the type of person who hates the "Where do you see yourself in 5 years" question in interviews. I really would like to say someday. "Look in 5 days I might be working for you, and maybe still in 5 months, but in 5 years I could be on a yacht in the Mediterranean, drinking umbrella drinks under the sun." My point - I don't have a 5 - year plan. I generally don't have a 5 day plan. I might have a 5 minute plan. Like, in 5 minutes I might put laundry in. But that's really as far as it goes. Some might think my lack of planning won't help in my weight loss efforts and we'll see, but I know that I'm happier when I'm succeeded slowly than when I'm trying to make my "plan". My goals: To feel normal, to experience as much as this world can offer me and hopefully become healthy enough to do it!

So a 5 year plan really doesn't work for me. I've never had the same job for 5 years. I do administrative work, but in many different industries: investment banks, malls, accounting firms, violin shop, furniture store, college. Same stuff but different environments. I get too bored to stay one place for a long time. At a certain point I've gotten to a place where the learning curve stopped..then I've had to move on. I guess my answer to that 5 year question would be "I plan on staying here until I've learned everything I can from your company, and then move on."

So I guess in terms of weight loss: "I plan on working on my body until I've done everything I can to make it healthy, and then I will find a new journey"

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Better Not Bitter

I got an interesting thing to think about at bible study today. The teacher challenged us to think about whether we are bitter about our circumstances or trying to better our circumstances. I can honestly say that I have been very bitter about life circumstances, including my weight. I've blamed many things/people for my current state of life and haven't until recently tried to better the circumstances. I need to remember this challenge daily and ask myself when things come up if I'm being bitter or trying to make it better. My weight loss now is about trying to make it better. I guess it's about letting go and moving forward.

I am surprising mobile today. I was a bit sore this morning when I woke up, but I've bounced back pretty quickly. I'm planning on resting today, maybe doing a workout video later tonight. It is supposed to snow a lot tonight, so I'm not sure if I'll be able to workout at the fitness center tomorrow :(.

Something I've noticed. I wonder if because I've stopped eating so much garbage, I've set my body/taste buds to a different setting. Lately I've wanted to add salt to things like pasta and celery, tomato sauce... I have not wanted to add salt to anything since, well, ever. I even like to eat NO salt chips. Perhaps by eating such garbage for so long I didn't want salt because my body was getting a lot of it through the crappy food...I don't know, just a theory. All I know is that it is something I have not wanted to do in decades.

I'm excited to weigh in on Friday because I think it's going to be a good one. (at least this morning looked good on our house scale). I'm starting an official Friday weigh in to help me know exactly what I'm doing. I'm trying not to weigh every day. I skip days here and there, just to STOP THE INSANITY (as Susan Powter used to say or still says...I don't know, she scares me!)

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Body Tired

Heh. Since we have Body Pump, Body Flow, Body Jam, etc, at our fitness center...I am Body Tired after taking two classes in a row.

I don't know the last time my body was this, well...tired. You know the feeling when the thought of even lifting a pencil is too much? I'm barely squeaking out this post and probably wouldn't except I can rest my wrists on the laptop and my arms on the table. I ate a little supper (like a handful of pasta) and I don't even have energy to eat. That is Body Tired.

I normally don't do two classes back to back. I felt like pushing myself today and since hubby had bible study after work, I needed a break from the kiddos. AND my favorite Kiersten was teaching two classes in a row. If she can do it... (hah, that's how my brain works) well..she's trained herself to do it.

I'm 5/5 this year with the workouts. I may need a break tomorrow, we'll see how my body feels.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Free to Be Me

4 days into 2010 and I've worked out each day (well I'll be working out later for today, but it WILL happen) Yay me.

I used to love a good challenge. I'm VERY competitive by nature and probably a few years ago if I was given a Perfect 10 challenge (the one many bloggers are doing) I would have jumped on it! I've changed though. I think I've realized that competitive stuff makes me psychotic. Seriously, if the scale won't move, I won't eat and inevitably screw up my metabolism. For those that have control of their competitive psyche - WAY TO GO! I'm not there. I cheer you on whole heartedly though.

I'm also changed where I am no longer a bandwagon person. I've turned into the rebel. I mentioned on a comment that when all my friends bought a Honda Odyssey, I specifically refused to look at them because I didn't want to be like everyone else. We own a Toyota Sienna. We live in a land of vast subdivisions and we tried living in one and HATED it, so now we live out in the country on an acre in a very unique home. Everyone started giving gift bags and gift cards, I bought presents and wrapped them in paper. I think this might have occurred in my early 20's when I lived with a very good friend for a year. We lived together, had gone to the same college, worked the same job, had the same friends, went to the same church. I think there was a moment that I didn't know where she ended and I began. I still don't think I know exactly who I am, but I know for sure I'm not living someone else's life. I think there is a balance between wanting to feel normal (which is really my ultimate goal here) and wanting to be like everyone else. I think it's knowing your own tastes and not swaying from them even if the majority doesn't go along with it. I'm still learning...I hope to always be learning.

I wrote a poem when I was a freshman in high school - 1988 called Free to Be Me. If I find the whole thing I'll post it, but what I remember from it, I think 22 years later it still is relevent to me:

I have my own thoughts, feelings and dreams
But everyone's trying to change me, it seems.
I'm not what you want, I will never be
For I am my own, and I choose to be me.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

A New Year a New You!

I'm not terribly fond of this saying. It implies promises that may not be met. Even if I lose this weight, I could be the same me. Me, just skinnier. And I don't want to be entirely a NEW person. I hope that some things change (like my self esteem) but generally I'm a decent person and don't need to be entirely new.

I think people out here in the midwest don't believe in any holiday except Christmas. The fitness center was open yesterday and I went expecting maybe a couple of people in the class...maybe even just me. After all, it was the day after New Year's Eve....While it wasn't a packed class there were still maybe 10-12 people in the class I was in and there were other classes going on at the same time. I guess these people are starting the New Year's Off right, with a workout. I know I was happy to have done it. I took Body FLow, which I haven't done in a while. I still like it (especially the 10 minutes of relaxation at the end!) and I'm somewhat excited to stay that I can stay in plank position (like a real pushup) for a little bit - (Something i was NOT able to do 5 months ago. I'll have to try an actual plank pushup one of these days, instead of on my knees.

I'll do a cycle class in about an hour. (UPDATE) - I went to do a cycle class and it was FULL! Darn these people with new years resolutions!! Instead I did 10 minutes on a cycle 10 minutes on an elliptical and walked the track for 20 minutes. All in all it was about 4 miles. 2 workouts down for the year.

I've been thinking about something else...about my Christmas miracle that I did not gain weight this month. I attribute some of this to the fact that I decided to eat "like a normal person" throughout this process. Meaning sometimes I eat a candy bar....sometimes I go out to eat and eat something not entirely healthy. So I've lost slower...and I haven't gained it back. If I had done any other program I would have gained it back. I've gained 12 lbs in a month on WW before when I didn't follow the plan. So while my eating is not exactly a "Diet", rather making good choices" it is working to not only lose weight but making my body healthy so it doesn't regain it. Anyhow, that's my story...and I'm sticking to it!

Happy 01/02/2010