Sunday, August 10, 2014

Yep, it's Me Again....


That about sums up the last almost year since I posted.  One big old sigh.  It has now been almost a year and a half since my dad passed away.  Most days I feel okay with it.  I don't constantly think about him and his last horrible moments on this earth.  Some days I miss him so much it hurts.

I went through some serious depression, so much that I went into a psychiatrist.  She believes that the massive and complicated grief after just giving birth may have even altered some of my brain chemistry (or something to that effect) which made it impossible for me to get out of the funk I was in.

Yes, I am medicated now, and it has made a WORLD of difference.  I don't think I even realized how bad off I was until I went on the medication and actually didn't mind getting out of bed in the morning.

So what has happened in the last year?  Not a heck of a lot.  My twins turned 9.  Charlotte is now 18 months and entering the testing limits toddler phase.  She gives me a run for my money, that's sure.

We took a family trip to Disney World last October for our 10 year wedding anniversary.  It was fantastic and we had such a wonderful time, I literally cried the day we had to come home.  I am currently planning a solo trip to WDW in January of 2015.

I took over leadership of the bookclub I was in AND started a second club since our first one got too big!

I STILL have plantar fasciitis in both feet, which is horrible and evil and makes me hate any type of exercise. 

We left our church.  This is worth mentioning because it exacerbated my grief and depression.  It turns out that the church wasn't too good at ministering to their own.  I wonder what good is it to spend all your energy into trying to spread the good news of Jesus, when you completely ignore your hurting brothers and sisters in Christ. 

Yep, I've gained all that hard lost weight back.  It is life.  I am distracted.  I need comfort. 

Life goes on...I do like to blog.  I should do more of it...

Yep, it's me again...

Saturday, November 30, 2013

A New Month, A New Chance

I like to think there are always new opportunities to do better.  My final fate in life is not determined by the bad choices I have made in the past year and half. 

There's a scene in the movie Under the Tuscan Sun where Frances talks about how divorce doesn't kill you.  It should, but it doesn't.   I feel that way about losing my Dad.  The pain on many days, especially through the holidays is unbearable.  Grief should kill you, but it doesn't. 

A good blog friend, Melissa just finished up the Whole 30.  A 30 day challenge to cut out dairy, grain, legumes, alcohol, sugar and soy.  The science in it has to do with foods that inflame our body.  I need something to kick start me off the sweet sweet cravings I have.  

So I'm on day 2.  It's not terrible.  I just feel a little sluggish in the afternoon.  Of course, it's only day 2 and as I run out of sugar for my body to use as energy I'm sure that it will be more difficult.  However, that means my body will be burning fat for energy instead of stored carbs.  That's a good thing.

You aren't supposed to step on a scale for 30 days.  Man, that will be hard.  I love weighing myself daily (even when it's a disgusting number).  So we shall see.  I love eggs and meat, so that part shouldn't be hard.  I love bread too though, the chewiness of it...just Yum.    Surely not eating sugar for 30 days won't kill me. (HAH!)

I'm not feeling Christmas this year.  I'm sad a lot.  I miss my dad.  But I trudge forward for my children.  But it hurts.  I hate doing things for the sake of doing them...and I know that's what I'm doing this year. 

But there are always new opportunities for happiness.  I will find them.

Monday, November 4, 2013

A Blip

Wow, time flies when you are destroying your hard work!  10 ridiculously bad days.  Am I not ready to do this?  No, I am.  I did walk/occasionally jogged a 5k yesterday.  I'm a bit sore today and my plantar fasciitis is bugging.  I had seriously thought about getting my shirt and getting back in the car and going home, but I did it.  It was a beautiful day.  I wanted to have a "beginning" score again. 

I want to do this.  I'm just so darned sad all the time...  Time....I just need time....

Friday, October 25, 2013

Sometimes life just sucks

It's true.  I had a terrible day yesterday, which translates to terrible eating.

First, it's the 7 month anniversary of my dad dying. 
That needs no extra explanation.

Second, I'm lonely during the day.  I'm home with the baby, but all of my SAHM friends went back to work this year.  So between them and my dad, I always had conversations during the day.  Now - crickets.

Third;  My friendships at the fitness center have changed since my dad died.  I guess the gals just couldn't wait for me to get over my depression of grief, so they've moved on..caring about each other and doing stuff and just leaving me out.  I'm finally feeling back in the groove with everything and then I feel like I'm hitting a wall.  Like I posted on our facebook page about getting together for a pedi on Sunday afternoon.  Now previous peeps put that up and immediately either one was a yes or no....For me...again  Crickets.

Sometimes life just sucks.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

The Old Breakdown

Since I deleted my weight chart from my prior weight loss to start a new one, I wanted to do a post of the monthly losses so I can see how on target I am as I lose now.

Jan 2011 - 7.5 lbs
Feb 2011 - 0 lbs
March 2011 - 6.5 lbs
April 2011 - 11 lbs
May 2011 - 12.5 lbs
June 2011 - 9.5 lbs
July 2011 - 12.5 lbs
Aug 2011 - 9 lbs
Sep 2011 - 4 lbs
Oct 2011 - 7.5 lbs
Nov 2011 - 8 lbs
Dec 2011 - 3 lbs
Jan 2012 - 7 lbs
Feb 2012 - 3 lbs

Total loss - 101 lbs in 1 year and 2 months.

I can do this again.  I'm having a blue day, and I really want to eat.  But I'm not going to.  I've had a pretty perfect almost 2 weeks...I'm going to keep going!

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

What to Do With A Scale Fail.

It's been so long since I've weighed myself daily, I kind of forgot this frustrating part.  When you do everything perfectly and the scale does not move.  For days.  This time it has only been 3 days, but it still is frustrating as all heck.

So my brain is trying to figure out why....hmm...I ran the race Sunday and my leg muscles are sore, so I could be retaining water still, especially because I cycled yesterday.

It could be because I'm ovulating, because it might just be about that time and often you retain water during that phase.

Or it could just BE!

Either way, I'm on target for my workout an weight goals for October, so I should be okay.  And if I don't make the weight one..I'll be oh so close.

So I'm not too worried...even if I want to throw my scale out the window!

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Corn Maze 5K 2013

Well, I jog/walked a pitiful 48 minutes.  Two years ago I ran it in 37 minutes.

There's the post about that.

But I'm not entirely discouraged for the following reasons:

1:  I have not trained AT ALL for this 5k.
2:  I have not jogged since April 2012 when I got pregnant with Charlotte
3:  I weigh 50 lbs more than I did at that race.  If that me carried 50 lbs while jogging, I bet she'd run a lot slower!

Yes, I'm discouraged about the weight, but this journey, this battle, is a mental one.  I am glad I went out and did it.  I felt the rush I used to feel.  As I was going, I didn't feel defeated, but empowered.

So there you go!