This may seem very harsh to some, but I have such freedom in my heart and mind since my mother died. My mother left when I was 3 and I did not see her again for 25 years. Sometimes she called, but mostly she didn't. I had no connection with her at all. I grieved a lot during life for the things she wasn't, the things I didn't have, the things I didn't learn.
After she died, I felt a release, like I could live free now. That a chapter that had bogged me down had finally ended. She is no longer around to NOT give me the love I so desperately needed in my life. I was never really waiting for her to do it, but I think I spent so long mourning the stuff I didn't know because of her that I never did anything about it.
For example: Styling my hair. I have used the excuse of growing up with only males as a reason why I don't know how to do anything with my hair. Last week I went to a salon and had the stylist show me how to do my hair with the round brush and flat iron. She was wonderful and actually let me bring my tools and had me do it while she supervised.
Another thing: My female body. It was something I was never comfortable with (again growing up with males). I'm beginning to embrace it. I went to a bra party a few weeks ago. I'm learning more about that special area there... I'm even taking better care of my teeth, making them whiter. I've bought some jewelry, I'm shopping for more fashionable clothes. Getting mani/pedis. I feel like now I can become a woman, instead of an abandoned little girl.
This all may seem strange, seeing as I am a 36 year old woman. But every day I am learning something new about myself and it is refreshing. It's like a brand new morning, a new day, a new start.
Death freed my mother from this earthly life, and it freed me from a sorrowful past.
I can identify with you greatly, yet our stories are slightly different. I grew up with my mother physically present. Sometimes she was there emotionally, but mostly not for me. She died when I was 36, about 6 months after I gave birth to my daughter. There is so much that I love about my mother and yet so much I don't. I can't even bring myself to refer to her as mom. She is my mother.
ReplyDeleteI am fortunate for the good things...and one of which is the freedom that her death provided. I totally understand that your examples were labeled under the "growing up with males"...just know that my mother was there...and I still learned all of the things you mentioned without her.
I sometimes get sad about all that was missed...but mostly sad for her. I watch the relationship that my daughter and I are building and I just can't figure out why my mother didn't want that. Or want it bad enough to figure out how to do it! I see the picture of you and your girls and I am so proud of us for doing better!
love and hugs...