Friday, September 11, 2009

The Least I Ever Lost...

I'm annoyed today, so forgive the snarkiness. The scale is not really moving. I checked my prior WW records and I have lost less in this last month exercising every freaking day than I did on ANY time of WW WITHOUT exercising! I'm so mad, if I were a camel I'd SPIT!

Ok, yes, yes...I've gained muscles. My cholesterol and triglycerides are down. I'm overall healthier. My shirts fit better. But I want the number to match. 280 doesn't feel good no matter how much muscle I've gained in the last month.

I'm drinking water, eating healthy foods. I'm doing it all correctly. It's the right way. But I just want to not be 280 anymore. When will I reach the point where I'm not building muscle and I'm just losing fat? I don't want super saggy skin, but I just want a lower number. Please?

I keep thinking I'm going to reach a point when the weight just starts to drop off. But maybe it doesn't work that way. Maybe I'm just going to keep building muscle to replace the fat. ARGH.

I am an emotional mess this week for other reasons. I did not succumb to eating the fridge though, thankfully. Life is hard when you recieve love only from your husband and your kids. It's lonely when you have parents and siblings alive that really don't care about your life. My K is wonderful and gives as much love as he can give me. I have a lot of angst and questions about WHY ME? I believe in a God who has a purpose and plan, but I just shrug my shoulders lately and ask WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO HARD? Not to mention it's hard to believe in an all loving God who lays down his life when the last words to me out of my only sibling was "Shut the Fuck Up" and My mother-in-law tells us we are "Shit out of Luck" if we want to visit her at her house because she just doesn't want the kids there. My father rarely says two words to me or ask about the kids and my formerly suicidal mother left when I was 3 years old. A counselor once told me that it was OK that I was fat because with all this history I should have been a druggie or alcoholic or pregnant by the time I was 15, a high school drop out, etc. Weight was my only vice she thought and that wasn't too bad. Well now on top of the tragic life, I have the weight and it only makes life harder. I just have a hard time understanding why a loving God would give me all these continuous trials whereas my brother, who is selfish and self serving in every way) hasn't a care in the world and has a vast legion of adoring friends and family.

Oh well...told you I was annoyed. Sorry to be so depressing, but that's the way I roll today.


  1. *Hugs*. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this--nobody should have to hear things like that, especially from family. I'm really proud of your efforts to lose the weight anyway...

  2. I will start off with a nice big, we all have a walk to walk and this is yours. I have been there and am still there in many, many ways, but I can not and will not let others affect me or my life. I perservere in spite of them because I have boundaries. If people in your life want to act like that, then so be it.

    The weight will come off, but you have got to stick with it. I was 289 in January 2009 and after losing 30 pounds, I gave up and gained some you know where my starting weight is now.

    Are you taking any meds? There may be an underlying reason as to why you are not losing the weight you think you should be.

    You must be religious, there are no cheating days because your "fat brain" will continue to hold the weight believe it or not. Journal everything you eat and how you feel at that time. I have days I lose and days I don't.

    Also, there are plateaus that occur once every 10 pound weight loss and can last up to two weeks while your brain chemistry re-adjusts.

    Hang in will get better, but you have to reach out...I have blogging friends, In real life friends, I have my man, but most of all, I am a friend to myself.

    Join a Mommy group or a play group...join a church...volunteer. Not all people will hurt you, but you have to befriend yourself first.

  3. I didn't read blogs over the weekend due to busy-ness but just read this today. I'm glad you got that all off your chest. It's so sad when families are contentious and unloving. Don't people know life is just too short for that kind of stuff? I'm really sorry you have to contend with all that negativity and meanness from them.

    As far as the weight loss, PCOS really does add a difficult element, and in addition to complicating weight loss, the hormone disruption can really play with our moods and make it much harder to contend with everything. It wounds like you are absolutely moving more and eating loss, and eventually that will have to result in real tangible weight loss. Keep posting and helps. Hang in there. I'm on your side!