Monday, June 13, 2011

Crazy Behavior

This post isn't about food, although it well could have been. Last night we went to our old church (the one we left in December) for a pie auction to raise money for the youth group trip to Guadalajara, Mexico. Now, it is a good cause and I have no regrets giving money to this, but one of the pies we got went into a bidding war. Now I am competitive by nature but something about the person bidding against me, about not wanting this church to get the better of me once again made it impossible for me to stop bidding. So we ended up donating $300 for 3 pies. Again, I am glad to do it, but I am also sick about it. Sick about my behavior. Sad that I couldn't just let things go and let the guy have one of the pie's for a huge amount of money. I just wanted control, I wanted to feel like I was better than them. People in this church made me feel so small and useless, I just wanted to feel like I wasn't that. I've got a long way to go in that department.

My husband wasn't too impressed with my craziness, but since we haven't been giving to a church for a long while he could allow that it was okay to donate so much and we do care about quite a few of the people going.

So today I'm quite sad, probably sadder than I've been for a while. I have not succumbed to stuffing my face with the pie though. I have had 2 small slices. I think that I thought more people would be excited to see us (for most it has been over 6 months). I thought people would seek us out to talk to us. But not really. People said hi in passing, (a bunch of people commented on how great I looked! (YAY!) but that just made me feel even more insignificant than when we attended there. Completely useless. That it didn't even matter that we left.

Crazy behavior. Now I just need to get passed it...stop thinking about it. It's over and done. Nothing terrible happened. I just want to stop feeling so crappy!!!

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