Well - there was about 6 hours of sunshine yesterday, followed by more rain. And all of this rain has made the happy motivated person inside me disappear. It's horrible. I'm doom and gloom. I know - just what everyone wants to read....
Seriously, I have to blog...I have to keep writing or else I will end up in oblivion again. I need to confess and bring this stuff to light. I've been thinking a lot about something since reading a blog a few weeks ago. I think about 15 years ago I was in a church service when a woman gave a testimony about her life and said she ate because she wanted to die. She was so unhappy. She thought if she kept eating her life would be shortened. This was sad, but I can't say that in the middle of a binge during a dark depressed day I haven't thought that maybe all this food will make me have a heart attack and keel over. I don't have very many days like that. I'm too happy a person for it. But a few weeks ago I read a blog where someone talked about wanting to die, and expecting to die within a few years. This affected me profoundly. I got angry. Blogs are supposed to be honest, so I was not angry that someone would post it if they felt it, but angry that many bloggers pour into this person daily and the writer would still be professing their worthlessness in such a way. I felt like it was a slap in the face. Let's face it, the time we spend reading and writing on each others blog makes us somewhat invested in each others lives, irregardless of if we've ever met. Depression is hard, I know this, but I also know that I am honored and feel worth from my followers. You really have all rallied behind me this last 2 weeks. The only times I've ever wanted to die were times in utter loneliness when noone (and I mean NOONE) was pouring into my life at all. These were times I even cut myself off from God. I really hope all of you know how much I value each comment. Because in these dark days, it keeps my hope alive. Hope that tomorrow I can begin again. I hope this person does find some hope and worth in their following. God made all of us, so at the very least (which is really the very most) we all have worth to him.
Looking forward to many brighter days ahead...
Hi Jodie,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your honest words. Some days things really seem overwhelming and dark, and I wonder when "things" are going to get better, or easier, or more the way I want them to be. I pray that you feel more lightness today than yesterday...often it happens that things are darkest befor the dawn. You are such a thoughtful person - very evident in your writing. Please keep writing everyday you can and pour it all out there. It gives me courage to do the same.
The following is a post I just read before yours that is really beautiful. I don't know if you read Chris' blog, but she's also thoughtful, and wears her Christian faith boldly.
http://chrislivessimple.blogspot.com/2009/10/heart-of-change.html
Take care - stay in touch. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Like you, I get angry when someone has seemingly given up and wants to end their suffering.
ReplyDeleteLife is precious -- a gift.
Find comfort and strength in your friends -- on-line friends as well.
My heart goes out to anyone who suffers from depression, and I'm not talking about the odd 'dark' day we all have every now and again. I've been fortunate to never have experiences the despair of depression and I don't suppose that if you are in a particularly bad place at any given time (even if, some time later you look back and wonder how you could have felt so bad) the input of others can help drag you out of it... :o(
ReplyDeleteI think mine if probably one of the 'chirpier' blogs as that tends to reflect my personality! I've had some REALLY crappy days (just before I started my journey) when I've cried non-stop and not wanted to leave the safety of my home, but now every day has the potential to be great and that's how I tend to view life in general. The odd thing might 'piss me off', but that's about as bad as it gets. I lose my temper, then half an hour later I'm back to my usual self!
I'm glad you have your faith. Although our beliefs are different, I think it's always good to have some sort of faith or spirituality. :o)
Hi Jodie. I think it's fairly ridiculous and rather inappropriate that you are angry that someone else is suicidally depressed. If you had suffered severe depression and intense loneliness for many many years you would understand that although other blogger's comments are always very much appreciated, it will take more than a few weeks of such comments to turn around a life long situation.
ReplyDeleteBlogging friends are special but there is still no substitute emotionally speaking for having people you can talk to in the real world.
Your life is full of love and other people to talk to. Don't be angry at someone else's pain. I know it is only a lack of understanding on your part. Or denial of the pain you yourself have previously suffered at the times when you were utterly lonely.
You have so much positivity in your life right now, you can afford the generosity of understanding towards others.
I wish a lifetime of pain and rejection and being made to feel completely worthless could be turned round in a few weeks of blogging.
Bearfriend xx
My life has love, but is filled with also much pain. I make no apologies for sharing what I felt, regardless of whether anyone felt it is ridiculous OR inappropriate. I blog what I think and feel, which is why I harbor no anger towards the person or the pain. It was weighing heavily on me and I had to let it go. Truth be told, my mother tried to commit suicide when I was 2 years old. I don't know all the particulars, but afterwards I was raised without a mother and a pretty despondent father. A few years ago, a young woman I know killed herself. A girl with so much to offer, a complete life ahead of her. After that for a long while I thought "How could I have loved her more" "Could more attention/love have saved her?" I've had pain, and deep depression. I know we usually can't control situations that make us depressed. My response to this issue is nearly the same response in me that when one of my dearest friends girlfriends complains how God couldn't possible love her because there is no good in her life. My heart goes out to my friend, because he is GOOD yet she fails to see that.
ReplyDeleteI don't want to cause any hurt to anyone, but I write this blog for me, to process my thoughts and this was eating at me and by setting it free I am able to move past it.