Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Sweat and Tears (No Blood)

Today I'm still sore from Monday's workouts (plural) so I wasn't sure about going to class. I wanted to go to BodyVive but the kids slept in until after 8:30! I couldn't make a 9:15 spin class so I was stuck with a 10:15 Total Body Conditioning. I liked this instructor a little bit more than Lisa (the last time I took TBC) but not as good as the first class which had a substitute. For some reason this is only a 45 minute class, but I still did sweat a lot again. The problem with this class was that she did a lot of lunging and squats , which kills my pre-arthritic knees! I modified the best I could. The tears came when we were doing tricep work with a weighted bar and I wasn't feeling it in my triceps but in my forearms. I got so sad that my body just doesn't work normally and the right muscle groups aren't working as they should because I'm so fat. It's just depressing. I generally never "feel it" the way the instructor says it is supposed to feel. I know as long as I'm moving and following the form of the instructor I'm doing fine and burning calories and working on losing it, but it still gets to me. I honestly am not sure exactly where my abs are because of the fat. I know I feel pain when I do sit ups around my belly button area, so I hope thats it. I guess I'm making muscles everywhere and anywhere...

I am drinking fountains of water for sure. This is what I wanted to do over a year ago when we got water service when I joined WW. Needless to say we had about 20 5 gallon bottles of water reserves at least when me moved to our new house in February. Now i am drinking probably near to a gallon a day! My husband is happy for sure that we are using up the water...although for now in the event of an emergency, you know where to go for water!!

The scale today said 285.3. (at 11:15 - after a workout and a shower, fully dressed) I'm not going to do a chart or anything. I just wanted to post it down so someday I can look back and see. Maybe I'll post my weight every 5 lbs or so. Or maybe just when I feel I need to see the number to keep encouraged. I'm encouraged now. I feel better about myself. I'm allowing myself the time to take care of me, something I've never done. Oh, I've had the time - (I was single until I was 29) but then I was just depressed that noone loved me and probably wouldn't because I was so fat. And I was worried that I would hate people if they started loving me when I became thin. So I remained fat. I did have a couple of boyfriends, some of which didn't treat me terribly well and certainly never made me feel unconditionally loved. I have that now, and 2 beautiful children who light up my world when they aren't fighting with each other! Today after my class, my oldest (by two minutes she'll tell everyone) asked me "How was the work out, Mom?" Both my girls are great encouragers and I'm blessed to have them. So now I'm trying. It's my time, even if there is sweat and tears, and even a little blood if there has to be.


  1. Hi Jodie! I just found your blog, and love your candor! Keep on keepin' on your journey, take it one day at a time. I'm sure you will achieve all of your goals! Hugs!

  2. Hey Jodie, I found you through your comment on Escape from Obesity. So impressed with the exercise you are racking up, and simply wanted to say good job! Keep at it!

  3. This was over a year ago you posted this but I hope you read it. Just starting your blog and I'm wondering, your twins are adopted? or I missed something in the last few posts?

    2. the comment you made about hating people if they started liking you when you became skinny really hit home with me. I think I have that problem 2. 25 and never dated and I feel exactly like you said.