Sunday, August 9, 2009

Blog Post One - Welcome to My Life

I used to blog. I've had a few attempts at it. I even blogged about weight loss about 2 years ago. I even had some faithful readers, but when I failed at losing weight, as I so often have done in my 34 years of life, I stopped blogging. Then, embarrassed about it, I deleted it, although I regret that now, because I had some darn funny posts. I blogged about kids' books for a while, but that wasn't nearly as fun...or funny.

So why am I here now? Inspired by Julie & Julia, the movie, I suppose. I don't have any grand hopes of becoming a writer or being famous, and God forbid, having a movie made out of my life. (It would be ridiculously sad and boring), but I do know that writing, and maybe even blogging, releases some of the tensions in my spirit. If I type my thoughts and post them, they become real, and not just some secret, pent up ideas swirling around my overly caffeinated brain. I'm too cheap to pay for therapy, although I probably could use a lifetime of this will be my therapy. Don't they always recommend you write your feelings anyway?

Here's the basics: I'm 34. I've been overweight pretty much my entire life. I have weighed over 300 lbs although I'm less than that now, but not by much. I'm a child of abandonment, divorce, alcoholism and neglect. I spent more time at bars as a child than at playgrounds. My dinners as a kid consisted of chicken nuggets, Hamburger Helper, and Hungry Man Fried Chicken Dinners (the one with the potatoes, corn & yummy brownie). I was fat by the time I was 5.

I have a loving husband, who is thin. Two beautiful, 4 year old daughters who I want to shield from having anyone tease them because of their "fat momma", while teaching them that beauty and worth come from the heart. I'm a Rhode Islander by birth, but transplanted to Chicagoland a few years ago.

I want to be healthy. I am not "OK" with my weight and my body. I just have very little will power and my emotions control me far too often. When the world seems to hate me, and when I hate myself, food makes me feel better....then worse....then REALLY worse... I don't drink regularly, I don't smoke and I don't do drugs. Food is my drug. (and the caffeine in Diet Coke).

I just ate half a bag of potato chips. Because I'm bored and need something to do with my hands.

I just joined our nearby fitness center. It is nice. Upscale. It has a pool. It supplies the towels. It has a sauna and steam room. It has child care. I hope it helps...

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