A New Month, A New Chance

I like to think there are always new opportunities to do better.  My final fate in life is not determined by the bad choices I have made in the past year and half. 

There's a scene in the movie Under the Tuscan Sun where Frances talks about how divorce doesn't kill you.  It should, but it doesn't.   I feel that way about losing my Dad.  The pain on many days, especially through the holidays is unbearable.  Grief should kill you, but it doesn't. 

A good blog friend, Melissa just finished up the Whole 30.  A 30 day challenge to cut out dairy, grain, legumes, alcohol, sugar and soy.  The science in it has to do with foods that inflame our body.  I need something to kick start me off the sweet sweet cravings I have.  

So I'm on day 2.  It's not terrible.  I just feel a little sluggish in the afternoon.  Of course, it's only day 2 and as I run out of sugar for my body to use as energy I'm sure that it will be more difficult.  However, that means my body will be burning fat for energy instead of stored carbs.  That's a good thing.

You aren't supposed to step on a scale for 30 days.  Man, that will be hard.  I love weighing myself daily (even when it's a disgusting number).  So we shall see.  I love eggs and meat, so that part shouldn't be hard.  I love bread too though, the chewiness of it...just Yum.    Surely not eating sugar for 30 days won't kill me. (HAH!)

I'm not feeling Christmas this year.  I'm sad a lot.  I miss my dad.  But I trudge forward for my children.  But it hurts.  I hate doing things for the sake of doing them...and I know that's what I'm doing this year. 

But there are always new opportunities for happiness.  I will find them.

A Blip

Wow, time flies when you are destroying your hard work!  10 ridiculously bad days.  Am I not ready to do this?  No, I am.  I did walk/occasionally jogged a 5k yesterday.  I'm a bit sore today and my plantar fasciitis is bugging.  I had seriously thought about getting my shirt and getting back in the car and going home, but I did it.  It was a beautiful day.  I wanted to have a "beginning" score again. 

I want to do this.  I'm just so darned sad all the time...  Time....I just need time....

Sometimes life just sucks

It's true.  I had a terrible day yesterday, which translates to terrible eating.

First, it's the 7 month anniversary of my dad dying. 
That needs no extra explanation.

Second, I'm lonely during the day.  I'm home with the baby, but all of my SAHM friends went back to work this year.  So between them and my dad, I always had conversations during the day.  Now - crickets.

Third;  My friendships at the fitness center have changed since my dad died.  I guess the gals just couldn't wait for me to get over my depression of grief, so they've moved on..caring about each other and doing stuff and just leaving me out.  I'm finally feeling back in the groove with everything and then I feel like I'm hitting a wall.  Like I posted on our facebook page about getting together for a pedi on Sunday afternoon.  Now previous peeps put that up and immediately either one was a yes or no....For me...again  Crickets.

Sometimes life just sucks.

The Old Breakdown

Since I deleted my weight chart from my prior weight loss to start a new one, I wanted to do a post of the monthly losses so I can see how on target I am as I lose now.

Jan 2011 - 7.5 lbs
Feb 2011 - 0 lbs
March 2011 - 6.5 lbs
April 2011 - 11 lbs
May 2011 - 12.5 lbs
June 2011 - 9.5 lbs
July 2011 - 12.5 lbs
Aug 2011 - 9 lbs
Sep 2011 - 4 lbs
Oct 2011 - 7.5 lbs
Nov 2011 - 8 lbs
Dec 2011 - 3 lbs
Jan 2012 - 7 lbs
Feb 2012 - 3 lbs

Total loss - 101 lbs in 1 year and 2 months.

I can do this again.  I'm having a blue day, and I really want to eat.  But I'm not going to.  I've had a pretty perfect almost 2 weeks...I'm going to keep going!

What to Do With A Scale Fail.

It's been so long since I've weighed myself daily, I kind of forgot this frustrating part.  When you do everything perfectly and the scale does not move.  For days.  This time it has only been 3 days, but it still is frustrating as all heck.

So my brain is trying to figure out why....hmm...I ran the race Sunday and my leg muscles are sore, so I could be retaining water still, especially because I cycled yesterday.

It could be because I'm ovulating, because it might just be about that time and often you retain water during that phase.

Or it could just BE!

Either way, I'm on target for my workout an weight goals for October, so I should be okay.  And if I don't make the weight one..I'll be oh so close.

So I'm not too worried...even if I want to throw my scale out the window!

Corn Maze 5K 2013

Well, I jog/walked a pitiful 48 minutes.  Two years ago I ran it in 37 minutes.   http://biggerthanababyelephant.blogspot.com/2011_10_01_archive.html

There's the post about that.

But I'm not entirely discouraged for the following reasons:

1:  I have not trained AT ALL for this 5k.
2:  I have not jogged since April 2012 when I got pregnant with Charlotte
3:  I weigh 50 lbs more than I did at that race.  If that me carried 50 lbs while jogging, I bet she'd run a lot slower!

Yes, I'm discouraged about the weight, but this journey, this battle, is a mental one.  I am glad I went out and did it.  I felt the rush I used to feel.  As I was going, I didn't feel defeated, but empowered.

So there you go! 

People are rarely as disgusted with you as you are with yourself...

I find this title statement to be true.  Although in my head, I think people are embarrassed for me, ashamed of me, think badly of me for the weight gain, it's really myself who thinks these things.

Most people are encouraging, have a "you can do it" attitude and just see me, who came through a very very hard year.

Is it narcissistic to think others are thinking about you?  I'm not sure.  I'm such a people pleaser, I hate thinking I've let anyone down.  But the reality is the only person I've let down is myself.  Not my husband, not my kids, not my gym instructors - JUST me.

And so it is.

I'm glad I remember...

I'm glad I remember what it feels like to work out weighing 90 lbs less than this.  Because it keeps me motivated.  I also work out harder because I know what I "can" do, so no need to hold back.

I'm glad I remember the highs of trying on new clothes and having them fit (and not from the plus sized section).  Although this temporary wearing of fat clothes is depressing, I have lots of clothes to fit back into and rejoice when I do!

I'm glad I remember that I can't lose  a lb every day.  (It'd be nice but not reality!)


I've had a pretty perfect week of eating and working out.  I feel good (a bit tired) 

Probably the best i've felt since April 2012 - when I got pregnant and found out my dad had cancer.

If It's Not One Thing...it's Another

Sometimes I feel like I can't catch a break!  Since November of last year I have been dealing with very painful plantar fasciitis.  I just recently was released from physical therapy and I'm about 95 percent better...just as that happens, I pull something in my anterior deltoid (shoulder area)!  Grr..  until I became pregnant, I may have had one injury in the whole time I worked out!!

I'm also dealing with "mommy brain" in my classes.  My brain just cannot remember steps I completely know by heart, so I look like a big dufus in our dance class!!

Otherwise, all is good.  Very good.

When you Commit - It works.

I know why I gained weight the last year and a half (and it wasn't JUST because I had a baby!).  It's because I ate carton after carton of ice cream...days of McDonald's Egg Mcmuffins and Donuts and dinners of pizza and fried chicken.  If there was a time that I needed comfort food it was after my Dad passed away.  I miss him terribly still, but after almost 7 months, I am able to function much more reasonably.

But I also know why I didn't lose.  Because I wouldn't commit to doing it.  My emotions were every where.  I could do one day, but then not the next, so between sobs I would drive to the nearest store and buy chocolate. 

When I commit, great things happen.  The scale goes down - CONSISTENTLY.   Even though I weigh a lot more then my best weight right now, I feel as committed as I was then.  Sure, it's been a week (although with the Diet Coke it's been 30 days) and I could easily jump off again.  But seeing the scale move is motivating.  Enough so that I want to blog - which is another great tool to help in this journey.

I've been down this road.  It's familiar territory.  It should be easier this time!  :)

Why I Don't Just Give Up

It would be very easy to just give up.  Just say, "I'm fat again, so be it...it's just too much work to stay thin"

But I can't.  For one, I hate how my body feels.  I cringe when my kids hug me sometimes because I remember what it was like now when I was thinner.

Two:  I hate how I look.  I miss seeing a thin face.  I had not seen one my entire life, and then I did.  I want it back.

Three:  Clothes.  I hate fat clothes.  I'm so depressed every day getting dressed. 

Four: 

Just a few reasons...there are more for sure!

Going Back to the Beginning

Since I already lost 100 lbs, and I know how to do it, I am going back to the beginning and doing what I did then, because what I was doing is spot on.

• Water - lots of it, every day.  Almost a gallon a day.   No other drink
• Food - Eat the same things every day for breakfast and lunch.  No guessing calories/carbs.  Dinner can be  varied
• Exercise - At least 5 days a week.  Sometimes for 2 hours a day.  Cycle/Weights and Yoga
• Blog - Blogging really helps me keep on task.  Of course having readers helps, and now I've mostly lost all of them, but hey...at least I'm writing!

Of course this time it will be different because I have a baby's schedule to work around, but I'll get there.  I try to remember there are mothers who leave their children 8 hours or more at a day care.  At the most I leave her for 2 and she is only 500 feet away from me.  I should not have guilt.  I need to do this for me.

I have been Diet Coke free again for 27 days.  Yay.

Oh, How the Mighty Have Fallen

Well, I decided I didn't really want to start a new blog.  This is my blog, for better or for worse..even when I neglect it for months at a time.

Here is an update:

My father passed away March 24, 2013.  The last six months have been the most incredibly difficult of my life.  Needless to say, I did not care what I ate, how much I ate, or what exercise I did.

My little Charlotte Jo is now 9 months old.  She is such a wonderful baby and great joy

My twins are now 8 and in the 3rd grade.  They were just starting Kindergarten when I began this blog

I just finished a month of Physical Therapy for very painful plantar fasciitis.  It's about 90% better.

I have regained almost everything I lost the first time around. 


Here's the good news:  I know how to do what I did before (which means 100 lbs lost).

I've already stopped drinking Diet Coke again.  If you go back to the beginning - that's something that really helped me with sugary cravings.  I've not quite gone a month yet, but I'm almost there!

I am still working out - albeit not as frequently.  I had mommy guilt at first leaving Charlotte for two hours in the child care center.    Then I just didn't want to work out.  I was so embarrassed.  I'd regained what I'd lost...

It's all excuses, but some are valid.  I can do this again.  I keep a picture of me at my lowest weight on the fridge so I can see how beautiful I can be.

Here I go again....watch me lose.

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Welcome to my little one! New Years Baby!

Welcome to our precious little girl...She was 7lbs 9 oz at birth and 21 inches.  She was born New Years Eve at 2:09 AM after 24 hours of labor and 10 minutes of pushing.  This picture is the from the day we left the hospital.  She is really a great baby and has taken to breastfeeding well.  We all love her so much.

It's kind of exciting to have had her New Years Eve.  There will always be a party on her birthday!!  It also helps me to start the new year right in a healthy way.  Because I am breastfeeding, I want to make sure I'm eating healthy things so I am able to nourish her little body in a positive way.  I miss working out right now - I'm hoping to get a clearance in early February to begin working out again.  I did work up until just about my due date, although I ate so much that it didn't help much to keep me at a good weight.

So I gained a lot of weight.  In my previous post I talked about how I've given myself a pass because of the stress of pregnancy and my dad dying.  The news got worse right before Christmas, as the chemo was not working and we decided that we would stop that.  The cancer is quite aggressive so they have given him only 6 weeks to 3 months to live. 

So my goal is to be back to my pre-pregnancy (or well, pre fertility drug)  weight by June 1st.  That means about 45 lbs in 6 months, which I know is VERY doable - especially once I am able to exercise more vigorously.

I know I can do it!