Saturday, March 27, 2010

The Rising of the Sun

I love sunrises. They may not be as beautiful as sunsets can be, but I love the hope and promise that a sun bursting out can bring for the day. Suns setting signal the end of something, while sun rises signal the beginning. A fresh day, a fresh start. Fresh hope.

I have a friend whose girlfriend has also had a difficult upbringing. Whose parents weren't the affirming, encouraging folks we all long to have. But she and I are different as night and day. While I find hope in each new day, a chance for redemption, she only sees the sorrow and hurt. She wonders how God could love her if he allowed those things in her life. She is miserable. On the outside she is a strong woman who has had a book published, who has worked in government circles, who even attended one of the inaugural balls for President Bush! Plus she's dating one of my very best friends but yet she feels God hates her and there is nothing good in her life. She's REALLY stuck. She gets through each day with no hope.

Now, I have had those feelings on occasion and I do murk through emotions about my upbringing on a daily basis usually, but when I look at life I do see blessings and hope and opportunity. I see love. This weight is my own prison of my own doing and I bear the brunt of the blame for it. And maybe, as Chris (A Deliberate Life) says when I deal with all of that stuff, get it all out there - because there is a lot that is still not out there) the weight will come off. I won't need to look to food.

Yesterday I went to a friends house for lunch. I brought a bag of potato chips with me. At one point in the meal the conversation went something like this..
Friend: Thanks for bringing the chips.
Me: No problem, I want to make sure you'll stay my friend (truth masked in humor)
Friend: Did you just say that? You don't really think that do you?
Me: Well I just want to make sure.

It's not the exact wording...but my friend called me out on it. And it was really the most wonderful thing. Because she knows me and isn't afraid to tell me when I'm lying to myself and correct it. I do have fear. Fear that today's friend won't care about me tomorrow. It has happened. It makes me nervous to trust people. So sometimes, subconsciously I think things like "If I bring the chips they will like me". Thank you friend, for loving me even if I don't bring the chips. And for giving me hope which is helping me heal.


  1. Hi I just wanted to take a moment to introduce my self to you. I am Trisha. I just started reading your blog today and am quite happy I did.

  2. That's a big revelation/confession Jodie. I can really relate to it. "Fear that today's friend won't care about me tomorrow." I think many of us who had "conditional love" (at best) growing up developed an inner sense of needing to do things, bring order to be accepted and loved. It's gotten better for me over time, but still rears its head once in a while. I used to call it "my one wrong move syndrome"...that there was always something I could do or forget to do that would end a friendship or relationship that I was coming to care deeply about. Wow - I hadn't thought about that for a long time! Definitely much better now, as I've had arguments and disagreements with close friends, and been able to work it out and stay in great stead. I swear, the older you get, the easier a lot of this living is!

  3. I was the same way.
    With my closest friends...I never ever said no.
    All love was conditional.
    At least that's how it appeared to me.

    Getting all your stuff out there is just the start.
    not to be a
    then you got to find a different way to cope with all the emotions you suppressed withthe food.
    because it wasn't just the bad crap that was handed to you in childhood.
    It affects the way you deal with friends (like what you just stated above)
    How you relate when you and your husband have an argument..
    That was a big one for me...
    operating under the constant fear that If I asked for too much, or was too needy...he would decide I wasn't 'worth the effort". So, when we would argue...I woudl eat.
    When I felt angry...I wouldn't express it...because my anger wasn't worth expressing...I needed to be useful and not I would eat my anger.
    My sadness..I didn't want to 'burden' anyone...I assumed that to share my sadness would be a burden no one would care to share...
    So I ate my sadness.
    So I had to find out where aree this f'd up thinking came that it wasn't true when nothing in my childhood pointed otherwise.
    Step out in faith that the people I loved loved me in return and then start finding different ways to deal with my emotions.
    Like anger...I didnt know how to vent a little or how to express it properly...gosh and begorrah...this could be a flippin book.
    It's a long process.
    Turning from food is a process that kind of starts now. you get an feeling frightened that you need something and your not getting it and your afraid to ask for it..
    identify the source of the fear.
    Ask yourself if it's rational.
    instead of eating, ask for what you need from whom you need it.
    If it's, a hug, someone to take the kids for three hours....
    And explain your feelings.
    And watch the miraculous occur as people start to give back to you.
    Hugs to you.