If you are a faithful reader you might have noticed I changed my blog description from The Overweight Life to The Over Wait(ing) Life. The url will remain unchanged because it's too much of a pain to start a new one.
I hate to wait. In lines, for my kids or husbands, for airplanes to take off, for other people. I hate it. which probably exacerbates my emotional tendencies regarding life, because I am perpetually waiting. I'm waiting for a cathartic moment where everything lines up perfectly in life and I become that "exact" person that I imagine I would be if I am completely whole and perfect.
Yeah...well, that's probably not going to happen overnight. I confess I get stuck in patterns of bad behavior because I don't think I can ever be whole sometimes. I'm so used to being the fat girl with no self esteem who is very lonely. The truth is that I've probably conditioned my life to be the way it is because of my patterns of behavior. Of not trusting. Of automatically assuming that others don't like me, don't care, don't respect because of my weight or because of my brokenness. Many bloggers post that once you lose the weight all of that is still there. Ugh. I don't want that. I need to refocus. It's not about the weight, or how many times I work out a week. That will help me, and I should be doing it, but it needs to be about something greater than that, or my identity will stay caught up in my weight, and others opinions of my weight.
So I've deleted my progress and inches. Many might think it's because I've gained. Yes, the truth is I have gained about 5 lbs since January. But that's not why I've deleted all that. I don't want my readers to find my worth in lbs lost any more than I want people in my life to love me better if I weigh less. Two of my favorite bloggers right now are not moving on the scale in a favorable direction, but I don't want to stop reading them because they both offer fabulous insight and such encouragement to me. I don't want to be in a competition with other bloggers about lbs lost. This is not what I want my life to be about. Oh, I think that achievements are wonderful and need to be recognized, so I'll still tell you about that. But to keep moving ahead, it's more healthy not to think ..."wow, I used to achieve more weekly goals". It's like looking at a trophy of when you were the best at something. It's disappointing when you aren't quite at that level anymore.
I started this blog and my weight loss efforts to find "normal" to feel "normal". I've lost a little bit of that focus in the last few months. So I'm trying to get it back. I need more accepting of who I am, and who God made me to be. I'm not always sure of the answer to that, but I am sure that He didn't intend for me to hate myself on weeks where the scale shows a gain and love myself on the weeks where it shows a loss.
This has never been a "spiritual" blog. But faith in God is one of the most important parts of my life. It's time to intertwine the two a bit more. I may lose readers because of it, but that's okay. This is who I am. I've got to stop being afraid of that.
OK...fun things...tonight is DATE NIGHT! Going to see the musical 1776 with my hubby. We might have time to stop at the Creperie for a dessert before we go! FUN FUN! I love (most) musicals. Then tomorrow is Hubby's Birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABE! Sunday we leave for Ypsilanti Michigan. (huh? where?) It's next to Ann Arbor. K has some work there Monday and Tuesday and the girls and I are going to hang out at the hotel pool and check out the town for a couple of days!! Family togetherness!
Have a wonderful day.