If you are a faithful reader you might have noticed I changed my blog description from The Overweight Life to The Over Wait(ing) Life. The url will remain unchanged because it's too much of a pain to start a new one.
I hate to wait. In lines, for my kids or husbands, for airplanes to take off, for other people. I hate it. which probably exacerbates my emotional tendencies regarding life, because I am perpetually waiting. I'm waiting for a cathartic moment where everything lines up perfectly in life and I become that "exact" person that I imagine I would be if I am completely whole and perfect.
Yeah...well, that's probably not going to happen overnight. I confess I get stuck in patterns of bad behavior because I don't think I can ever be whole sometimes. I'm so used to being the fat girl with no self esteem who is very lonely. The truth is that I've probably conditioned my life to be the way it is because of my patterns of behavior. Of not trusting. Of automatically assuming that others don't like me, don't care, don't respect because of my weight or because of my brokenness. Many bloggers post that once you lose the weight all of that is still there. Ugh. I don't want that. I need to refocus. It's not about the weight, or how many times I work out a week. That will help me, and I should be doing it, but it needs to be about something greater than that, or my identity will stay caught up in my weight, and others opinions of my weight.
So I've deleted my progress and inches. Many might think it's because I've gained. Yes, the truth is I have gained about 5 lbs since January. But that's not why I've deleted all that. I don't want my readers to find my worth in lbs lost any more than I want people in my life to love me better if I weigh less. Two of my favorite bloggers right now are not moving on the scale in a favorable direction, but I don't want to stop reading them because they both offer fabulous insight and such encouragement to me. I don't want to be in a competition with other bloggers about lbs lost. This is not what I want my life to be about. Oh, I think that achievements are wonderful and need to be recognized, so I'll still tell you about that. But to keep moving ahead, it's more healthy not to think ..."wow, I used to achieve more weekly goals". It's like looking at a trophy of when you were the best at something. It's disappointing when you aren't quite at that level anymore.
I started this blog and my weight loss efforts to find "normal" to feel "normal". I've lost a little bit of that focus in the last few months. So I'm trying to get it back. I need more accepting of who I am, and who God made me to be. I'm not always sure of the answer to that, but I am sure that He didn't intend for me to hate myself on weeks where the scale shows a gain and love myself on the weeks where it shows a loss.
This has never been a "spiritual" blog. But faith in God is one of the most important parts of my life. It's time to intertwine the two a bit more. I may lose readers because of it, but that's okay. This is who I am. I've got to stop being afraid of that.
OK...fun things...tonight is DATE NIGHT! Going to see the musical 1776 with my hubby. We might have time to stop at the Creperie for a dessert before we go! FUN FUN! I love (most) musicals. Then tomorrow is Hubby's Birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABE! Sunday we leave for Ypsilanti Michigan. (huh? where?) It's next to Ann Arbor. K has some work there Monday and Tuesday and the girls and I are going to hang out at the hotel pool and check out the town for a couple of days!! Family togetherness!
Have a wonderful day.
Welcome back!
ReplyDeleteI hope that you find your focus and motivation again. I'm totally with you that it's not about how much weight you lose but your health and wellness overall.
If talking about your faith helps you on this journey, then it's all good! We might not share the same beliefs, but that doesn't matter in the slightest. :o) You certainly won't lose me as a reader.
ReplyDeleteI'm tapping you on the shoulder to take part in 'Photo Tag'! :o)
Love the new title and the attitude.
ReplyDeleteEnz
I just found your blog, and while I understand why you deleted your progress, I just want to let you know that I would never judge your worth in terms of pounds lost! I do post my progress, because for me, I HAVE worked through the issues that got me where I am, and now I have to turn attention to the physical me and get that straightened out so that I can be healthy and feel as good physically as I do emotionally and mentally. :) Posting my progress (or sometimes lack thereof) keeps me accountable and keeps me from getting too far off track.
ReplyDeleteFaith is a big part of my journey too, and I also do not hide that. I don't think I've lost readers because of it, though perhaps there are some people who never BECAME readers because of it. I'll be following you now, and keeping you in my prayers!
God bless you and keep up the good attitude, God loves you, regardless of whether you weigh 140 pounds or 500 pounds! (Yes, I realize you don't weigh that much, but He'd love you just as much if you did.)
I love your new look, new title and new focus. Good for you for wanting your blog to be a truer reflection of who you are and what's important to you. That takes real courage.
ReplyDeleteFaith, and specifically God, are huge components in my life, though my behavior and words may belie that fact at times. Seems to me you're moving in the right direction to become the woman you were put here to be. Hugs!
Jodi-this has got to be one of the best posts I've ever read; thank you for sharing your heart. I think you're pretty neat; I think you are brave and a very smart cookie!
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