Monday, March 15, 2010


I am dressed for the fitness center...had a good breakfast today, healthy eating yesterday, feeling better.

I had a very good weekend at the Hearts at Home Conference. I love, even when it's hard, when someone speaks words that reveal something in me that is not good. A way of thinking I hadn't even realized.

I took a session called "The Mom I want to be" with T. Suzie Eller. It was about forgiveness and healing but more really about moving past dysfunction. One of the things she spoke that really hit hard was about punishing others (and ourselves) for things that haven't worked out in our life. She says often it is because the offending person hasn't made amends for the wrongs done or hasn't suffered for the wrongs done. It's natural that we want some sort of payback for the things that have hurt us.

I am a perpetual punisher. I punish myself by not taking care of me. I can honestly say that I eat sometimes to hurt myself because I still feel unwanted by my parents. Because even though it isn't REALLY hurting them I think that if I hurt myself enough then they might have some carthasis moment that we see so often on TV where parents admit they were so wrong and want to help you and be more a part of your life....It probably won't happen, so I need to be conscious of that daily.

I punish my husband. My dad was not a cleaner. Either we lived in squalor or I did all the cleaning. When I cleaned, if I didn't finish one room, my dad would comment on that one missed room. I expect a lot of him. I think I deserve a clean spotless house that *I* don't have to do all the work for.

I punish my kids (and this was such a hard thing for me to hear) because I feel they should have some super duper love for me all the time because I am a mother who stayed and chooses to stay at home with them. They are only 4..they shouldn't have that burden. So my punishment comes by being disappointed when they don't act as grateful as I think they should.

So it gave me a lot to think about. A lot to work on. But it is true that we all want someone to pay when they've hurt of. And when they don't pay for their offenses then we punish others. False senses of what we deserve to get or to be.


  1. All I can say is WOW!

    What a post. I think we have alot in common and I totally feel what you wrote. Thanks for sharing, gives me some things to think about myself.

  2. It sounds like what you experienced was totally raw realizations. That is tough stuff to be sure. I am going to follow your blog. We are both on this weight loss and better health journey...and it ain't easy!

  3. With such great insight, anticipate what God can do!

    Suzie Eller

  4. I love people who are honest with themselves. That mother one is tough, because we want to be the perfect mothers...whatever that is.
    as for your parents ever having any realizations whatsoever...probably not going to happen.
    I think what maya angelou says is hard but true.
    When people show you who they are, believe them.
    It took some doing in my own life, but when I gave up alot of expectations concerning my life got a lot better.
    Hugs to you.

  5. Something important to remember...
    [Jodie is] deeply loved, completely forgiven, fully pleasing, totally accepted, and complete in Christ.

    -From the book, The Search for Significance: Seeing Your True Worth Through God’s Eyes by Robert S. McGee

  6. Beautiful self-searching post. Please be forgiving and loving of yourself.

    Those old wounds from parents who didn't measure up go so deep and just keep exerting an effect until we make peace with them. You're working on it for sure, Jodie. That which we resist persists.