I am dressed for the fitness center...had a good breakfast today, healthy eating yesterday, feeling better.
I had a very good weekend at the Hearts at Home Conference. I love, even when it's hard, when someone speaks words that reveal something in me that is not good. A way of thinking I hadn't even realized.
I took a session called "The Mom I want to be" with T. Suzie Eller. It was about forgiveness and healing but more really about moving past dysfunction. One of the things she spoke that really hit hard was about punishing others (and ourselves) for things that haven't worked out in our life. She says often it is because the offending person hasn't made amends for the wrongs done or hasn't suffered for the wrongs done. It's natural that we want some sort of payback for the things that have hurt us.
I am a perpetual punisher. I punish myself by not taking care of me. I can honestly say that I eat sometimes to hurt myself because I still feel unwanted by my parents. Because even though it isn't REALLY hurting them I think that if I hurt myself enough then they might have some carthasis moment that we see so often on TV where parents admit they were so wrong and want to help you and be more a part of your life....It probably won't happen, so I need to be conscious of that daily.
I punish my husband. My dad was not a cleaner. Either we lived in squalor or I did all the cleaning. When I cleaned, if I didn't finish one room, my dad would comment on that one missed room. I expect a lot of him. I think I deserve a clean spotless house that *I* don't have to do all the work for.
I punish my kids (and this was such a hard thing for me to hear) because I feel they should have some super duper love for me all the time because I am a mother who stayed and chooses to stay at home with them. They are only 4..they shouldn't have that burden. So my punishment comes by being disappointed when they don't act as grateful as I think they should.
So it gave me a lot to think about. A lot to work on. But it is true that we all want someone to pay when they've hurt of. And when they don't pay for their offenses then we punish others. False senses of what we deserve to get or to be.