Re-Achieve

Thankfully, as I sort of expected, much of last weeks gain must have been water retention because today I am at 266.4. Phew. I am now back on track for 2 lbs per week. I am wondering if because I was a few weeks ahead of the goal, I allowed myself to relapse. Hmm...I'll have to ponder that more.

Went to BodyFlow this morning. Interesting thing to ponder: "Enjoy the journey, because once you reach the destination, there's nothing left to do". I see the point, but I would probably just find a different journey.

I kicked some butt.

Ok, when I called my husband I really said I kicked a$$ at my session with the personal trainer tonight (the group of us) I was 4th out of 15 when walking 8 laps. The trainer commented on my great squats!! Then the kicker....The trainer said she'd like me to come to the ADVANCED class on Tuesdays instead of Thursdays. Me...269 lb, bigger than most of the people in the class, moves to the Advanced? I can toot my horn. This is just how much more fit I am than I was 2 months ago. Maybe not as light as I want to be, but certainly much healthier.

This just rocks my world!

Here's what we did tonight (I'm wiped I took water aerobics today too..)
walked/jogged a lap (1/8 of a mile) forwards, then backwards.
warm up
did 25 jumping jacks
20 crunches
15 pushups
25 knee lifts each knee
25 squats
walked laps for 15 minutes
used the treadmill for 10 minutes (3.6 miles per hour)

The time went fast. It was great!!

Here Comes the Sun...

It's not up yet, but I see some clear sky...dare I hope? Could it be?

I'm doing much better these few days. Mentally, Emotionally, Food Wise, Exercise...it's all back in place.

Last night was the first Bridge To Weight Loss class. I was somewhat annoyed when I found out we wouldn't meet with the nutritionist until week 3 because she was on vacation. I made a comment about how this was a little bit of poor planning on the Fitness centers part. The behavior therapist looked at me kind of funny, like she was offended. I just said, How is everyone supposed to know what and how much to eat for these 2 weeks if we don't know what our calorie range is supposed to be?(since we all get a individual assesment for that with the dietician) I have a feeling for many, these first two weeks won't see much progress and that's a shame. I know a LOT about nutrition being overweight my whole life and being on WW 5 times at least, so I'm not too worried, but I would like to know what calorie range I Should be eating in. My guess is that I undereat..but I just want to know for sure.

THe class had 15 people - all ages, all sizes. Some had a few pounds to lose, one man might have been bigger than the Biggest Loser contestants. It should be interesting with this mix of people.
Tonight we have the first meeting with the fitness trainer. Our job when we get there - Walk 2 laps forwards and then walk 1 lap backwards (to work the hamstrings I think)

Here are my tidbits from last nights class:
**Past weight loss attempts are not failures. We were successful while we were doing the plan. They are just past attempts

**Relapses are part of the journey. Most people have a few relapses before behavior changes stick

**What we think leads to what we feel which leads to our actions (overeating/binging) Look to what you were thinking before the emotions to find the trigger.

**Surround yourself with people that validate your emotions, listen to you and provide compassion while making these changes (that's why blogging is so great)

They took waist measurements (it was kind of funny because the behavior therapist seemed uncomfortable doing it) and a starting weight. Next week we talk about emotional eating. - I'm an EXPERT on this! ;)

Re-Gain

I changed my column on the sly yesterday, but now it's time to fess up. I had a regain of 2 lbs. Now it could be retention because I've been eating all kinds of crazy things...peanuts upon peanuts, fajitas, hotdogs...highly loaded salty things. But I also might have eaten 6000 calories in the past few weeks too to gain 2 lbs of fat. At first I thought I would just erase the achieved from the column, but I think I needed to see the REGAIN. I need a reminder that I lost it. If there was nothing there, I could trick my mind into thinking I never really lost it in the first place. My mind must not go to that place. It needs to be in the place of thinking "I messed up here...I was at 268, so it can be achieved again."

Thank you Leslie for another award. You are so encouraging to me. I have yet to figure out how to put the picture up and all that..but I appreciate it!

Tonight starts my first night of the 8 week program at the fitness center. I was excited until I ran into someone at the fitness center who did it and really had negative things to say about the behavior therapist. I will wait and form my own judgements on her though.

Had the gyne visit today (with the twins in tow). I was encouraged by what the doctor said. She told me not to worry so much about a number to be to get pregnant. It was a relief when she said that she hasn't seen a terrible amount of complications in overweight pregnant woman but acknowledged that miscarriage could be more common, so she is starting me on folic acid now. It gives me hope. Hope beyond hope. I have had TOM 3 months in a row since I've been exercising and eating well.

I'm still feeling very good. It is STILL not sunny though. *sigh*

Dawn

I think it was Leslie who said yesterday that it's always darkest before the dawn. Today it feels like dawn. I feel renewed in mind. I ate well for breakfast. I don't have the crazy binge mindset I've had for the last week. I did an exercise video with the stability ball I bought a few months ago that I had yet to use. I'm planning to go to the gym for Spin Class this afternoon. I just feel like my mind just heaved a very large sigh of relief.

It is milky sunny today, I'll take it!

Ain't no Sunshine when she's gone...

Well - there was about 6 hours of sunshine yesterday, followed by more rain. And all of this rain has made the happy motivated person inside me disappear. It's horrible. I'm doom and gloom. I know - just what everyone wants to read....

Seriously, I have to blog...I have to keep writing or else I will end up in oblivion again. I need to confess and bring this stuff to light. I've been thinking a lot about something since reading a blog a few weeks ago. I think about 15 years ago I was in a church service when a woman gave a testimony about her life and said she ate because she wanted to die. She was so unhappy. She thought if she kept eating her life would be shortened. This was sad, but I can't say that in the middle of a binge during a dark depressed day I haven't thought that maybe all this food will make me have a heart attack and keel over. I don't have very many days like that. I'm too happy a person for it. But a few weeks ago I read a blog where someone talked about wanting to die, and expecting to die within a few years. This affected me profoundly. I got angry. Blogs are supposed to be honest, so I was not angry that someone would post it if they felt it, but angry that many bloggers pour into this person daily and the writer would still be professing their worthlessness in such a way. I felt like it was a slap in the face. Let's face it, the time we spend reading and writing on each others blog makes us somewhat invested in each others lives, irregardless of if we've ever met. Depression is hard, I know this, but I also know that I am honored and feel worth from my followers. You really have all rallied behind me this last 2 weeks. The only times I've ever wanted to die were times in utter loneliness when noone (and I mean NOONE) was pouring into my life at all. These were times I even cut myself off from God. I really hope all of you know how much I value each comment. Because in these dark days, it keeps my hope alive. Hope that tomorrow I can begin again. I hope this person does find some hope and worth in their following. God made all of us, so at the very least (which is really the very most) we all have worth to him.

Looking forward to many brighter days ahead...

Blame it on the Rain

Ok..so I know I can't REALLY Blame it on the Rain. Ahh..Milli Vanilli - where are they now? I still remember when it came out that they lip synched.

Bad - The first thing I thought of when I woke up: I should go to McDonalds and get a McGriddle.

Bad - Yesterday I went carb/sugar crazy - like 6 skinny cow icecreams crazy and Honeybuns crazy

Good - I did exercise yesterday

Bad - This rain is BAD for my spirit

Bad - My ego - Maybe it is just crankiness, but I'm feeling all of a sudden my blog is insignificant. Maybe I just haven't said anything profound, but I'm getting less comments. I shouldn't care so much and get caught up in it, but with weakened defenses...

Bad - My scale obsession. It is getting worse. I will put the scale away

Good - I have planned our Thanksgiving vacation to visit the Pilgrims

Good - I think I have ovulated this month

Good - There's always more chances to do good.