An Important Anniversary

Today is an important anniversary.  It has been 4 years since I first lost 100 lbs.   I still have 77 lbs to go to get back to that weight.  I feel good mostly about how my weight loss is going now, but I'm sad too to realize that I was once under 200 lbs for a short period of time before I became pregnant. 

I'm doing all the same things that I did before to try to get back to where I was.  I want to remember this day and hopefully by the end of the year, I will have a new anniversary.  The Second time I lost 100 lbs.

Happy Friday!

Sometimes the Small Stuff IS the Big Stuff

I've been miserable the last few days.  Some of it has to do with that time of month, but really a lot of it has to do with the situation I'm going to describe.  At first glance and feeling, it is an immature, ridiculous reason to be so upset, but nevertheless I was.  When I was searching for more reason for why I was upset, I hit upon something that made it actually a really big thing.

Last summer, while I wasn't going to the gym at all because I was working, something happened with the husband of one of my gym friends that caused him to get kicked out of our health club.  He had been inappropriate with one of the instructors and that's all I know about it.  I only found out about it months after since I wasn't there at the gym.  I was at a party in October and she mentioned she had switched clubs and I said, OMG, why?  She told me that it was a long story. 

This particular friend (and we aren't really that great of friends) has an annual Oscar watching party.  When I didn't get an invitation this year, I figured that she wasn't having it because of all the drama and the fact that most of the people she had invited from years past were from our healthclub.

Turns out she was having it, but was "keeping it small".  I wasn't really hurt about it until pretty much everyone else that had been invited in years past (with the exception of a few) was invited this year.  I wasn't quite sure why I was excluded.  Pretty much what came down as the only way to figure it was that I am good friends with some people at the club that had a falling out with this woman after her husband had had his bad behavior because they wouldn't believe that he wasn't doing it.  So it appears that I am collateral damage.  I never picked a side since I didn't know a darn thing about it, but because I am good friends with people who did pick a side (not her husband's) then I am guilty by association.

So I decided I wasn't going to let it get me down and have planned a swell party of my own, with some other group of friends.  But as I've been getting ready for it, Ive been getting increasingly stressed and emotional.  I think today I figured out why.  I don't like being left behind.  My mother left when I was young.  All my college friends married well before me and had kids well before me.  I was getting left behind.  I didn't embrace opportunities, rather I let it make .me miserable until I found someone to love and marry and have children.   

So my best guess is that I am feeling left behind since most of my fitness friends will be at this party.  They all know I wasn't invited and don't know why.  I guess I live in fear that they will drift away from me just when I'm getting a foot back into the world of health and I NEED them for motivation.  Maybe they will all have a good laugh that I was upset about it.   Who knows. 

So initially I was berating myself that I was just being stupid for being upset that I wasn't invited to a party.  I'm not a teenager for crying out loud!! I was sweating the small stuff!   But it wasn't about the party.   It wasn't about the girl throwing the party.  It was about my own fear.  The voices that tell me I'm not good enough or I would have been invited.

 My party will be great.  I will have a blast.  But I still wish I didn't have to feel this way. 

You need to be You, I need to be me...

I ran into a friend yesterday at the Oscar Shorts Festival.  I hadn't seen her in a long while and the last communication we had was regarding how I was going to stop inviting her over to do things, because every time she turned me down.  It was an honest conversation.  I told her I am still her friend, but I couldn't continue feeling rejected.  She accepted that so well and explained she just isn't a people person like that and she really  likes keeping to herself.

When we were chatting about that yesterday, I said something that was rather profound, but so full of truth.  I told her "You need to be who you are and do what you need for you, and I need to be me and do what I need for me."  It was kind of a cathartic moment.  I thought about it and realized that noone should try to be what I need them to be for ME.  I think I get caught up in that a lot.  If they loved me they would.... If they really cared they would have.... 

My sister in law once told my brother when he asked her to tone down a bit (she's quite gregarious and a fashion plate) in front of our family and she told him "You be you, and I'll be me"

Why is this so hard for people. 

I am thoughtful.  I think about people all the time.  I'm a people pleaser.  But that is not every one.  Everyone should not have to be like me.    I wish that someday I will meet someone like me.  Someone who send flowers to a friend just to let her know you were thinking about her.  Someone who calls me from a store because something I mentioned was on sale and would she like me to pick it up for her.  The little things..

But for now, I will be making more efforts at accepting people for who they are and not who I want them to be towards me.  I think there will be freedom in that.  Freedom to be exactly who I want to be and not trying to make myself into what I think others want me to be.

Setting Goals for the year

I've been binge free for almost 2 months now.  Also haven't had Diet Coke for the same period of time.    Things are moving along.

Based on my prior weight loss, I am setting a goal to be 10 pounds less each month this year.  Now, that first time I lost 100 lbs, sometimes I lost 12 lbs in a month and some times I lost 4lbs,  but in ended up averaging about 10 lbs per month, so as long as I stay ahead of the game, I'll be okay.  Since I lost 14.4lbs in January, I was already 4.4 ahead.  I've already reached 20lbs, so anything else for the rest of the month gets applied towards next months goal.    Roll over pounds!! LOL

So this is how it should look.  I started at 290 on January 1st

280 by February 1st  (ACHIEVED)
270 by March 1st (ACHIEVED)
260 by April 1st
250 by May 1st
240 by June 1st
230 by July 1st
220 by August 1st
210 by September 1st
200 by October 1st
190 by November 1st
180 by December 1st
170 by January 1st, 2017

I turned down the opportunity to do more projects at my job.  I thought about it, and just decided that while the project was perfect for me, the company is not, and I have some issues with staff, which is why I left to start with.  Things have been going so well being home and getting to the gym every day, I kind of don't want to mess that up!!

Fighting the Winter Blues

The last few weeks I have been blue.  Not so bad that I haven't been eating well or working out, because I've been nearly perfect in that regards, but still bad enough that I just want to sleep.  I think partly it is because of the winter.  It's February - cold - still dark...  I took my daughter for a walk in her stroller the other day and nearly froze my face off.  (Of course I started singing "I can't feel my face when I'm with you...but I like it, but I like it!..." )

I don't like feeling on edge.  I don't like feeling that I could at any moment throw the towel in.  I like feeling strong, confident and unshakeable. 

I did have a compliment from a guy today I've never met.  During our BodyPump class the instructor, and my friend, made comment to the fact that I had just gotten out of a dance class.  At the end of the class, this guy Blaine comes up to me and says "You did a class before this?  Wow - I don't think I could do that!"    It's a nice feeling when I hear something like that.

So I trudge on...hoping to beat this funk sooner than later. 

Why do we give up on goals?

A good friend of mine, who is very successful in life is working on getting fit with her fiancee.  She runs a blog and a Facebook page.  She asked her trainer what he thought made people give up on goals.  He said that it was because "often people don't love themselves enough to keep themselves high on the priority list."

In some cases this may be the case, but I responded to my friend that:

With health goals, especially losing weight, the return on investment is SLOW. You can eat well everyday, drink water, exercise 6 days a week and you may only lose 1 lb in that week. It can be very frustrating and make you want to give up. It takes a lot of physical and mental energy for every pound you lose.

Physical AND mental energy. AND time.  The trifecta working against anyone trying to lose weight.
 Without one of them, we are pretty much doomed!

Stepping Up

I did BodyStep for the first time in over 3 years yesterday.  Well - 35 minutes of an hour long class.  I then took BodyFlow for an hour. 

Initially I wasn't going to go to BodyStep or Shbam or any class that makes me fully aware of how big I am.  I mean I feel it in BodyFlow, but it's not my belly jiggling around at all!  I'm not sure what changed in my brain, but I just decided to DO IT.  When I initially starting blogging years ago, one of the things that I tried to focus on was NOT worrying about what other people thought.  If I sweat a lot, SO WHAT! If my face turns as red as a beat, SO WHAT!  If it's a little harder for me to do things, SO WHAT!  The point is that I'm doing it.  It's calories burnt, muscles gained. 

The truth is my knees really hurt by the end of the day after that.  But I hadn't done it in so long, so shouldn't I have expected as much?   I felt better today.  And I went to BodyPump.  It would be so easy to just say "I hurt" and not go.  But that's a slippery slope.

I've been on a plateau lately and it's frustrating and I'm adding things in to try to jolt my body into losing again.   But overall I'm doing well, continuing to move forward.

It's not depriving myself if I don't want it

I've been having a lot of success lately in turning down food.  Even tonight, at a birthday party, I turned down a piece of Portillo's chocolate cake.  Now, if you aren't from this geographic area, you may not know how good and rich and moist this cake is.  The restaurant actually makes a chocolate shake out of this cake, it's that good! 

Some may say I shouldn't deprive myself of treats, but I can honestly say that, as much as I LOVE chocolate cake, I didn't really want it.  I worked out twice today (dance and yoga) and I really didn't want to undo all of that hard work for a few minutes of eating cake.   I am thankful that there were no food "pushers" at this party.  They understand what I'm trying to do and don't want to sabotage my efforts.

I don't always deprive myself.  Yesterday, I made cookies with my girls and ate 2 of them.   I was not having the best day, and I am well aware that is probably why I ate the cookies.  However, I had no guilt about it.  I texted a friend and told her that was the first pure sugary treat that I have had in over a month.  I have no shame about it.

And I have no shame turning down food.  There is no law written that says "Thou must eat everything that is offered to you!"

I read somewhere that when you are working on something like weight loss and you start to flounder or think about floundering, that you should ask yourself if your goal is important to YOU.  If it is, then that might give you the strength to pull yourself together.  If it's not that important, you'll probably just give in.

Losing weight IS important to me.  I lost myself the last few years to depression and grief.  But I'm finding myself again, and part of that includes losing weight.  It IS important.  *I* am important.  That chocolate cake is NOT.

So, if people say "You shouldn't deprive yourself of every treat", I will say I don't and I won't.  If the food is that important to me, I will eat it.  But right now, at least for today, I don't want my cake and I don't want to eat it. 

Modifications

I used to be very embarrassed to modify the workouts in class that I do.  I felt like the "bad student" or the "cheater" because I wasn't doing it the way the instructor was asking us to do it.

However, now I modify as I need to because only I know what's best for my body.  Sometimes that means wall pushups, or it means having my feet down doing ab work instead of over my hips.  I'm not trying to cheat.  I'm just trying to keep my workout from hurting my body and even keeping me from hating it. 

For instance - Dips.  I hate them, mostly because I can't do them.  My triceps just can't dip my body weight.  So I do overhead extensions.  It's still a tricep workout.  If I keep trying and failing at doing dips, I'm going to get so discouraged that I'll throw in the towel.  So I modify.  I do what is going to keep me going.  Because if I get injured or burnt out, then no good can come from that.