Monday, February 22, 2016

Sometimes the Small Stuff IS the Big Stuff

I've been miserable the last few days.  Some of it has to do with that time of month, but really a lot of it has to do with the situation I'm going to describe.  At first glance and feeling, it is an immature, ridiculous reason to be so upset, but nevertheless I was.  When I was searching for more reason for why I was upset, I hit upon something that made it actually a really big thing.

Last summer, while I wasn't going to the gym at all because I was working, something happened with the husband of one of my gym friends that caused him to get kicked out of our health club.  He had been inappropriate with one of the instructors and that's all I know about it.  I only found out about it months after since I wasn't there at the gym.  I was at a party in October and she mentioned she had switched clubs and I said, OMG, why?  She told me that it was a long story. 

This particular friend (and we aren't really that great of friends) has an annual Oscar watching party.  When I didn't get an invitation this year, I figured that she wasn't having it because of all the drama and the fact that most of the people she had invited from years past were from our healthclub.

Turns out she was having it, but was "keeping it small".  I wasn't really hurt about it until pretty much everyone else that had been invited in years past (with the exception of a few) was invited this year.  I wasn't quite sure why I was excluded.  Pretty much what came down as the only way to figure it was that I am good friends with some people at the club that had a falling out with this woman after her husband had had his bad behavior because they wouldn't believe that he wasn't doing it.  So it appears that I am collateral damage.  I never picked a side since I didn't know a darn thing about it, but because I am good friends with people who did pick a side (not her husband's) then I am guilty by association.

So I decided I wasn't going to let it get me down and have planned a swell party of my own, with some other group of friends.  But as I've been getting ready for it, Ive been getting increasingly stressed and emotional.  I think today I figured out why.  I don't like being left behind.  My mother left when I was young.  All my college friends married well before me and had kids well before me.  I was getting left behind.  I didn't embrace opportunities, rather I let it make .me miserable until I found someone to love and marry and have children.   

So my best guess is that I am feeling left behind since most of my fitness friends will be at this party.  They all know I wasn't invited and don't know why.  I guess I live in fear that they will drift away from me just when I'm getting a foot back into the world of health and I NEED them for motivation.  Maybe they will all have a good laugh that I was upset about it.   Who knows. 

So initially I was berating myself that I was just being stupid for being upset that I wasn't invited to a party.  I'm not a teenager for crying out loud!! I was sweating the small stuff!   But it wasn't about the party.   It wasn't about the girl throwing the party.  It was about my own fear.  The voices that tell me I'm not good enough or I would have been invited.

 My party will be great.  I will have a blast.  But I still wish I didn't have to feel this way. 

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