Weight Loss and "Winkies"

I'm a little sad that my kids are now old enough that they need to learn the real names of things we have let them have cute names for like "Old McDonalds" and "Winkies".

What's a Winkie, you ask? Well it's that delightful golden yellow cake with filling that could last through a nuclear annihilation of earth (according to Wall-E anyway).

I was never a Twinkie fan (although I will eat them) but I do love me some Hostess Suzy Q's and those 2/$1 Honey Buns you can get at most convenience stores. It's sad that such wonderfully tasty treats do not allow for weight loss. I ate a Suzy Q every day that high school was in session. EVERY Day. Clearly my addiction to these things started early in life. I am thankful that my children are not allow to buy add-ons to lunch yet, and that will be closely monitored when it becomes available.

I don't buy Suzy-Q's now. But in a sense of balance for my kids, I do have snack foods around the house and I'm not really willing to banish these things. I have no desire to raise nutritious fanatics. My goal in parenting is to teach my kids moderation and balance, not deprivation and disproportion. It's being able to say 'No, you may not have 3 packs of fruit snacks, but if you are still hungry after 1 pack, then you may have a cheesestick or an orange." Why is this so hard to do for myself! Oh, anguish!

Wishing you all well for the New Year! Be safe!

Reflections for the Year End

I used to hate New Years. I was usually alone or babysitting for someone else while they went out and had fun. So I would sit alone and eat Pizza or Chinese food and watch TV and think about all the terrible and lonely things that had happened the prior year and lament that I was still alone and still fat.

Now, I find hope in the end of a year. I see failure as something that has happened but doesn't need to continue to happen. 2010 was a failure for me in weight loss. I gained back every pound lost. The whys of it aren't incredibly important. I eat because I'm...(insert any emotional adjective here).

I think what IS important is that I am thinking about the coming year and finding opportunities to do better. I have already made a list of fitness classes and times that are convenient for me to take each week. I have made attainable numerical goals. Have I done this all before? You bet! But I will continue to do it until I am successful and maintain the success.

I considered starting a new blog, but then I realized my story is continuing - it isn't a new one. There is no need to rip out the previous chapters. There is a lot to remind me of my failure, but there is also a lot to remind me of my success, also.

So, because I like "cute" mottoes I have made this goal:

212 By 2012. Will I still be overweight if I reach this? Yes. But I will be healthier, stronger and closer to where I want to be. It gives me attainable weekly goals of around 2 lbs per week. It leaves me some room to fail, because I surely will some days.

That's my only resolution this year.

Happy New Year!!

All Fall Down

Last Saturday I fell in the indent of a mulched area and badly sprained my ankle. 10 days of an air cast now. Life's little interruptions. We all have them, we all fall at some time in our life. When I fell it took a few minutes to get up because I wasn't sure if I could stand on my foot. There I was on all fours, my girls asking me if I was okay and I wasn't sure of anything except it hurt. But then after a few tears and a few minutes I was able to gain some composure and stand up and drive home (still in tears, mind you). I could have stayed on the ground and called for some help, or had my husband come pick me up. But I really didn't need it. All I needed was a few minutes. Sometimes we need a few minutes before we get back on the horse. I am frustrated that now this impedes work outs, since I had just gotten my schedule all together for the fall classes. But life happens. Falls happen. Just need to wait til I'm ready again. Soon.

What makes me do it or NOT do it?

I'm pondering right now what makes me motivated to go to the gym and why I can't stay motivated. I've talked about the switch mentality...where for months I can go and be happy and motivated at the gym and then in one moment dread every second. The switch was turned off. Right now I am like a kid playing with the lights, On off, on off, on off....etc. Some days I'm on, then I'm off...Monday I worked out and ate well. Tuesday I ate well until the end of the day...Wednesday - switch off...Today..well it's undecided, but probably is in the off position based on how I'm currently feeling.

It's kind of maddening....stay motivated lose 50 lbs...lose motivation gain 50 lbs...get motivation back....I think I need some duct tape for my switch...anyone else?

Rigidity

Definition:

Rigidity (psychology), an obstacle to problem solving which arises from over-dependence on prior experiences

This is what I'm working on in life and through therapy. Recognizing when other people are too rigid and recognizing when I, myself, am too rigid and how to deal with it in a way that doesn't make me depressed.

Recognizing it in others is a good thing because I've always been the type of person that would question my own opinions based on someone else's regardless of whether they were too rigid or not. I've had to learn to relax a bit. Sometimes it is simple things like forcing a kid to eat food they hate. Someone who was watching my kids once made my daughter sit at the dinner table because she wouldn't swallow the food she was given. She wouldn't offer an alternative and she wouldn't let her spit it out. Eventually she gagged and then was allowed to spit it out, but wasn't given another choice. (This person has rarely watched my kids since and when she did I brought the kids food already made). At first I questioned my parenting...I don't do that? Should I do that? Am I a terrible mother for NOT making my children swallow things they don't like? Other people's rigidity can make me crazy doubt myself. I'm starting to be able to say. "That's great if it works for you, but that's not the way I do it, and that's okay!" It's a work in process.

I'm often too rigid with my self and weight loss efforts. It's the thought of being all in or not at all. That's too rigid. It sets me up for failure or to think I am a failure when I don't succeed.

More later on this..

5 months ago..

was the last time I posted. Time sure does fly! So what are the momentous milestones in the past 5 months?

-I tent camped 3 times cooking only over a fire
-I watched my daughter dance in her first ballet
-I traveled to Missouri 2x and New England once
-I averaged about one work out a month
-I gained back everything I lost last year
-I let go of a friendship that was causing me stress
-I started therapy which I believe is helping me quite a bit
-I sent my babies off to full day kindergarten
-I quit playing Farmville

That's the basic gist of what's been going on with me. I have not kept up with blogs at all. Life overwhelms sometimes and then it is calm. I think I'm moving into a calm phase.

Hope Sinks

I love the movie Hope Floats. I wrote on April 1st with renewed hope...but then that hope sank. There's always a million reasons...

I have been getting to the fitness center maybe once a week. I met with the personal trainer for an hour last Friday. My toe is still in it.

I asked the trainer when she made the decision to lose weight was the "switch flipped" with no turning back. She said that it was that way. I have a faulty switch. Something tripped it. I need to figure out how to switch it back on and keep it on.

I'll keep plugging away.