Grieving Life, Grieving Death

Last month, my mother passed away. For long time readers, you know that my mother, due to severe depression, suicidal tendencies and mental instability, chose to leave our family when I was 3 years old. I did not meet her again until I was 27. Even though there were some phone calls over the years, not nearly enough to form an emotional bond with a woman I barely remembered. My brother, however, did manage to form an attachment and with that attachment he formed a grudge against me because I did not. She had a problem with her lungs (she was a long time drinker and smoker) and in the end (at 63) was on an oxygen tank. In January they called in hospice, she shrank to 87 pounds and then she died in February.

I grieved her so much in life that I can't grieve much in her death. My former pastor said often death is a relief for those who have been abandoned. It is a heavy burden lifted. He might be right. Her status of "is" an absent mother to "was" an absent mother allows me some new life and acceptance. I have always grieved what she wasn't around to teach me about: love, life, sex, parenting.
I grieved a life that I wish I had had...one where I was thin and there was a balanced meal every night on the table and not Hungry Man TV Dinners in front of the TV by myself. I grieved a life where I wouldn't be allowed to eat a whole bag of chips in a sitting, or a box of Little Debbies.

My weight issues started before I was 5 years old. Now I am super attentive to what my kids eat and teaching them that they can't have a snack every 10 minutes.
I was at the checkout last night with lots of fruit and veggies and the cashier commented how healthy I was feeding my girls. I'm not super crazy about it, they still eat fruit snacks all the time and we go to McD's at least once a week, but I try to make sure their lives are balanced.

I always feared I would turn into my mother, because I was often depressed. But that fear has really changed me as a person for the better, because I know I would never leave my children even in the worst circumstances. I grieve for children that have no mother. I don't have a fondness for alcohol, so I don't need to worry about turning into a drunk. But now I have something to fear, something I can change. I don't want to die at 63. My mother was thin early in her life, but had gained weight as she aged. Then she died at 87 lbs. I don't want to have to be heading towards death to lose weight. I want to LIVE.

Follow me there, NOT here.

Even though I said I wasn't going to change blogs, I've decided to...sometimes change is good....send me a message if you want the new link!!

Jodie

Diet Coke Free

No, that is not the name of a new flavor of Diet Coke, but it is what I've been for 15 out of the last 18 days! I have a friend who is the youth pastor of a church and her youth group was doing 40 days of just water to raise money for the Blood Water Mission.(www.bloodwatermission.com). The organization helps in Africa with the water and AIDS crises. The gist is that you give up everything but tap water for the season of lent and then donate what you would have spent on other beverages to the Blood Water Mission. Considering I used to drink at least 6 cans of Diet Coke a day, they are going to get a pretty good donation from us. We have terrible tap water so we are using our cooler service (or else I wouldn't be able to sustain it, however we had a stockpile of water so we don't have to actually PAY for any water)

I wish that not having the caffeine flowing through my veins would change something about me, but it doesn't. I still crave sugar, I still am emotional. I'd like to blame something on caffeine, but I can't. I know that it is for the best NOT to have it in me and having all that water IS good. I may just continue on past the 40 days.

The Numbers Don't Lie.

Do you weigh more than 250 lbs? Well, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you weigh more than a baby elephant! I had the (um) good fortune to chaperone 2 zoo field trips this with each of my girls' kindergarten class. Although the elephants have been moved off site until they rebuild a new habitat, the scale was there for the kids to see how many of them would it take to weigh the same as a baby elephant. It would take about 6 kindergartners. It takes 1 of me. It's kind of a shocker to know that you weigh more than a baby elephant.

So, why the new blog? Some people who I know in "real life" read my blog. I became uncomfortable with always sharing what I was actually feeling. Things would happen that I wanted to blog about but I couldn't, because I feared retribution or judgment from those who "know" me. Blogging is very freeing, but it wasn't happening when I worried about what others were thinking. And I felt that I couldn't post the big failures. So here I am again! I'm at 285 or so. AGAIN. But I have my first goal. To weigh less than a baby elephant. Here we go again.

What's my excuse RIGHT NOW!?

Yesterday Suzanne Eller tweeted "What has God called you to do/be? Do that. Be that. But those things that are not in your control, place those in God's domain."

I was thinking on that idea when I thought to myself. "What's my excuse right now?" "In this moment?" And you know what? There wasn't one. I can look behind and see all the reasons I haven't been successful at weight loss...I can look ahead and see all the reasons I *might* not be successful (holidays, vacations, easter candy)..but in almost every moment there is no excuse why I can't be successful in THAT moment.

Whether you believe as God as the Creator of your body or not, we know that the body was not created to look like many of us do. What is it supposed to be like? Do that/Be That. In THIS moment. Don't worry about dinner or tomorrow or next month. In THIS moment treat your body the way it is supposed to be treated.

That is my plan, right now. And I am trying to put things (and people) that I am not in control of in God's domain. Because, in all honesty, it's those things that usually trip me up in many areas of my life!

Life, Loss, and Love

I wish I was tougher. I wish I didn't cry when people hurt me. I wish I let everything just roll off my back. I wish I lost my appetite when these things happened. But I am not and it does not.

My mother died last month. For those of you who are regular readers you might recall that I did not grow up with my mother and have only seen her twice in my life. We did not have much a relationship obviously, so her death has brought up lots of emotions. When she left (when I was 3) she took all the photos of us as children, so I have no pictures of me, or me with her my brother or my dad. When I sent my condolences to her husband (not my dad obviously) I asked if he would consider sending me some of those pictures

My brother and I have had a very tumultuous relationship my whole life. He is older and had sustained a quasi relationship. (meaning he might have only seen her a handful of times in the last 20 years).

Danger, Danger!! Slippery Slope Ahead...

Yesterday was one of those days. I just got depressed. And my eating reflected that.
My kids got their report cards on Friday and I have one daughter who has the best teacher and another who has an average teacher. The average teacher doesn't give comments and my daughters grades (in K it is Beginning, Developing, Secure, Excels) stayed the same since last quarter. It just put me in a funk. I try very hard not to compare my kids, and the fact that one had 13 grades higher than the other made me realize that it is the teacher, not the kids, because while one excels in some things, it is not 13 other things! But when one kid is not getting the attention and love of a great kindergarten teacher and the other does, it makes me feel bad. I'm proactive, I've emailed her teacher asking more specific questions, my daughter says she treats everyone the same and that she is nice. I think that as a Mom, I want always what is best for my girls and clearly one is getting the short end of the stick and it is frustrating.

Also looking for a church is hard. (or maybe I'm just making it hard). My fear of people is not unfounded, but my friend reminds me that there are sinful people everywhere. This I know. But I have higher expectations. I believe that if you are living for Jesus than that flows out of your heart. It is evident in your life that even though you aren't perfect, you are earnestly seeking to be a better person by becoming more like Him - and you aren't mean! We are going to try another church this weekend. I'll keep you posted!

So in order to try to get out of this "mood" I stayed up til 1:30AM cleaning my desk and getting our tax stuff ready. Often if I wake up with less to do in the AM I get going more easily. And so far, not too bad. I've not eaten any crap and I'm feeling okay. I've got to anchor myself quick or I'll be going down that slippery slope of bad eating again....