Why are you being so mean?

My 4 year old daughter asked me this today when I packed up and put away a bunch of toys that she refused to pick up. She's a dumper and somehow delights in dumping bins of toys in piles in the toy room. I am thankful for our toyroom that nooone can see this mess unless they are IN the room. So this morning I said they had until tennis lessons to pick it up OR I was going to pack up the stuff. My daughter says, (get this!) "Well, that's okay because then it will be less toys I have to pick up!" I gave them a lot more time than I said I would (mostly because I need to remember that they are 4 and NOT 14 sometimes) but finally about 2:30 (after plenty of warnings) I said it was time. And the screaming commenced. NO MOM, NO, NOT THAT TOY. I LOVE IT! For over an hour this continued until the room was clean, and 4 gallon size ziploc bags full of toys were put onto a high shelf for either use in the distant future or a yard sale... After it was all done, she says to me "Why are you being so mean?" I think I replied, "Well you are being mean to mommy too, by not cleaning up your toys and by screaming so much." and then it got so late that I missed my Spin Class which made me sad. So no work out AGAIN. (Last night the weather was bad).

But I probably need to ask myself that question. "Why am I being so mean to myself, so often?" Why do berate myself over and over for a mistake I made that I am now trying to fix. Why do I call myself fat and ugly and stupid and worthless so much? Why do I think I am a terrible wife, friend, mother, all the time? Why am I so mean to myself when I have a slip, eat too much, not go to the gym. I'm dedicated (not nearly as much as Jack Sh*t getting fit!, but still!) to the journey so why do I beat myself up so badly for small mistakes? Are you mean to yourself? Maybe we should be nicer. Give ourselves consequences but then move on. I'm sure my children will dump their toys again another day. And they will have consequences, but I forgive and move on and don't hold it against them. I don't love them less because they scream at me that I'm mean. Maybe I need to treat myself more like that. Maybe I need to love myself more.

So as I tell my kids ALL the time! STOP being so mean!!!

When you Put it Like That...

I've been bemoaning since the beginning how I've lost a lot of weight from my upper body and not much from my lower body. However, I've recently read an article that suggested (I haven't found any "medical" or "scientific" articles about it yet) that we lose weight first from the last place we gained it. This would make absolute sense to me. My face and upper body were the last places I gained weight for certain. I was starting to move up into 3x shirts (thankfully now I'm near to a 1x on a good day). Meanwhile I've been in a size 24 jeans it seems forever. (even when I was almost 300 lbs I could squeeze into a size 24. I'm 40 lbs less and still wear the same pants size. This makes me feel a little bit better and realize that (hopefully - if this is correct), soon I will start to lose from my mid section. I'm posting a picture when I was about 300 lbs and how big my top really was...I hate it, but it's a good reminder. (aren't my babies cute!?)

So I'll spin later today..eating so far so good. Last night I allowed myself a piece of chocolate cake at a reception for one of our missionaries. He's been working in South Africa for the last year. Truth be told, I really didn't enjoy the cake. Not that it wasn't good, but I think that I'm just not used to that much sugar any more. It didn't make me happy. So then I chose to eat carrots and celery. (even when there were other sweets). I'm kind of proud of myself.

My Blog Makes Me Happy

I love my blog. The layout. The bright colors. It is a general representation of my cheery disposition on most days. Sometimes I leave it open all day on my computer because the colors make me happy. I most likely will not be changing it for a long time. For my long time readers, they endured a month or two where I would change it every couple weeks!

Still doing well with food. Today I am snacking a bit, but I still think I'll be in a low calorie range...let's see...500 breakfast... 300 calories lunch....500 calories snacks...and probably a 300-400 calorie dinner. 1600 calories is pretty good. Normally I do NOT eat 500 calories in snacks...but I wanted cookies today. And celery with peanut butter. I often wonder who came up with the idea of dipping celery in peanut butter? I LOVE IT!

Oh and here's the most fun news of the day. I'm going to a taping of the Oprah Winfrey show!! February 19th I'll be heading into the city to an early morning taping. I won't know the topic, but my friend and I are hoping it is not something like child abductions! Maybe it will be Dr. Oz! Who knows? Maybe I'll come away with lots of freebees!

Have a great night!

Do I REALLY need/want a workout buddy?

I have often thought, in jealousy of others in my classes, that I need a workout buddy. Just think, I'd have someone to motivate me, sweat with me, complain with me... I only know a handful of people at our fitness center and none of them work out in the same classes with me consistently.

Today, I had a friend meet me to workout. We were going to play tennis, but could only get an early court time so she agreed to do BodyFlow with me. I was a little excited, even though this friend and I have unresolved issues about something that happened in November (visit my archives to hear more on this), because it is the first person I have exercised with at the fitness center. This friend and I used to do water aerobics together a lot before I moved to my current home, so it's not the first time I've ever worked out with someone, but I was still a little happy.

After though I was kind of meh about the whole thing. I mean, we couldn't really converse or anything during class and then it was over and then we showered and after chatting a bit went our separate ways. She really isn't an active exerciser, although she plays volleyball for fun in a league. I think though, that I might just be selfish about the whole workout thing, and I'm okay with that. I mean, workout time is MY time. Time away from the kids to work on ME, doing the things I want to do, having free mental space. Maybe adding a friend into it would change that. I'm always happy to run into people I know at the fitness center but perhaps its best if I just say hi and workout on my own.

Off to the movies with hubby! Babysitter just arrived!

It's All Good

My sister in law has a habit of saying this ALOT. It really can be an appropriate response for a lot... I've had a great day - It's all good! or I messed up...it's okay, it's all good!

Today it's a little bit of both. I am still feeling good (except the monthly annoyance). Day 3 of being good with eating and drinking water. I worked out this morning at BodyFlow and then used my free weights while watching the Tale of Despereaux with the kids.

My weigh in was not super. Thankfully I don't have to erase an "ACHIEVED" I will say that I have been weighing in before eating anything on Fridays but today I had breakfast and a big glass of water. Plus I have TOM and so I didn't expect much. I was below the 260's so I'm happy. So I either lost nothing or gained a small portion. Either way, It's ALL good.

A blog I read was talking about how even after you lose the weight, your mental state doesn't immediately fix itself. You are still the person who "used to be fat". You will always be that. It's kind of depressing because somewhere in our psyche I think we believe that once we get thin it will be like having a brand new life. People who don't know us will treat us better and look at us more (also spoken about in a blog I read) but those who do...well I wonder how long it would take people to forget about the "fat" part. I'm not too worried about that now, but I know I need to make sure to train my mind not to expect people to forget how fat I was for the entirety of my life in an instant just because I lost weight.

Still loving life today...because It's ALL good.

Help! My boobs are shrinking!!

Hah! Made you laugh! Seriously though, it's true. I got dressed to go out tonight and I looked at my shirt and it looked like my bra was not doing its job, if you know what I mean. Turns out it really was just extra fabric that had no place to go except to make a bump in the front of my shirt. Eek! You know I gripe that they make plus sized bras with too much fabric to begin with, but this is just crazy.

I've had another spot on day, including a killer spin class. I haven't sweated so much since I visited Tampa Florida years ago on a hot and humid August. I've even been great with water today, something I've been a little lax on lately.

AND I did get TOM, so my psychotic behavior of hating everyone and everything was somewhat justified. This is just one of the positive things. I have had regular cycles since I started this journey in August. Long ones, but regular, nevertheless. I have NEVER had regular cycles since I've gotten TOM so this is amazing to me.

I'm in a happy, life loving mood today!

A Perfect Day

I've had a pretty perfect day.

I woke up on my own without the sound of two arguing children over who gets to snuggle on which side of me (one was still sleeping - one watching TV)

I went to Bible study. This week's thought: Don't equate Jesus' love for you with your circumstances.

I ate absolutely within my guidelines with no extra snacking

I did not feel the urge to yell at my children. (They still got in trouble for stuff, but I was able to be calm. This often equates to my eating and sugar intake I believe.

I worked out with Body Pump at the Fitness Center. There was a sub and it was Therese! Therese was the very first instructor I had of Body Flow and I just love her. I don't know why, we haven't had a lot of conversations and I haven't had a class of hers in ages but she remembers me. I think it was the way she was very encouraging to me especially since I am very overweight trying to do yoga positions that even thin people have trouble doing sometimes! Anyway, it just made my night. I think I even worked a little harder than usual!

The only down thing...my knee still hurts...I think it might be time for a visit to the ortho again. NOT the last one I went to who told me I shouldn't pick up my children, I should have gastric bypass and I should sell my just purchased house to buy a ranch. I won't be going back to him. EVER.