Traumatized

Have you ever been traumatized by the words of others? Words that have stuck with you for your whole life. That make you sad even though they were said over 20 years ago by people who may no longer be in your life?

I have and am. I'm throwing out the trauma here:

When I was in 6th grade a girl named Shannon told me I was gross because I had underarm wetness. (before I knew about antiperspirant)

When I was in grade school a teacher (who I adored) told me I didn't need second helpings for the hot lunch. I think this was her way of trying to help me, but it really upset me.

When I was in high school, a boy named Stephen told me that the dress I was wearing could be used as a tent.

Also when I was in high school, my brother told me I sounded like a dead cow when I sang. (everyone says I have a beautiful voice but I'm a bit shy about it because of this)

My brother also once told me a flowered dress I wore made me look like a flowered couch. (I stay away from florals mostly now)

My very first boyfriend told me he wouldn't have broken up with me if I had given him a BJ. (let's just say this started a whole thought process of "what do men really want? Me or sex? I'm just so fat, they are just horny..)

I had "friends" jokingly tell me for days in spanish that I was a "cabeza de mierda". (Shit head) I took French so I had no idea what this meant. Nice, huh?

So...what's the point here. That words hurt. Especially to those of us whose self esteem is already so low. I always need to be aware of my words with my girls. I don't want to be the one that traumatizes them!

This blogging community is great for words of affirmation! I'm thankful that I don't have to worry about the trauma here. And it is helpful to throw out my trauma. I speak the words that I have not spoken before in hopes that by getting them out I can move past them.

Myth "Bust"ed

One of my greatest "fears" of losing weight is that it would make me look bustier. Now, growing up with two males, anything talk about femininity was out the window. Sure I had aunts who told me minimally about TOM and took me to Sears to buy my first bra, but that was the first and last conversation about womanly things. Because I was big I thought I had big breasts.

So when a good friend of mine hosted a "bra party", I figured (haha) what the heck! I needed a new bra. But I was terrified. I always wear a "C" cup but my friends told me emphatically, "There's no way that is your right size!" So I went fearing that I'd be this huge size and that I'd be ashamed that all along I was wearing the wrong size. HA HA. So really my size is a "B" Cup!! All along I have thought that I had big boobs. I am a big woman, but my boobs are small!!! There was some relief in that in my mindset. First, I'm very self conscious which makes me worry about how busty I look. Second, I was worried as I lost weight, I would be thinner, therefore my boobs would stand out more. I think now knowing that I have a small cup size I can lose weight without fear of that. I did come home that night and tell my husband, "Sorry babe, I had the smallest boobs of anyone at that party!"

Here's some other things I "learned" - Bras are only supportive for about 100 wears.
You shouldn't put bras in the dryer. You should handwash or delicate cycle them in a mesh bag. (No wonder my bras all look horrible!) You should not hang bras up by the straps when they are wet. You shouldn't wear the same bra two days in a row!

Well, I broke about every bra rule in the book! (again, why my bras look the way they do!_

Grieving Life, Grieving Death

Last month, my mother passed away. For long time readers, you know that my mother, due to severe depression, suicidal tendencies and mental instability, chose to leave our family when I was 3 years old. I did not meet her again until I was 27. Even though there were some phone calls over the years, not nearly enough to form an emotional bond with a woman I barely remembered. My brother, however, did manage to form an attachment and with that attachment he formed a grudge against me because I did not. She had a problem with her lungs (she was a long time drinker and smoker) and in the end (at 63) was on an oxygen tank. In January they called in hospice, she shrank to 87 pounds and then she died in February.

I grieved her so much in life that I can't grieve much in her death. My former pastor said often death is a relief for those who have been abandoned. It is a heavy burden lifted. He might be right. Her status of "is" an absent mother to "was" an absent mother allows me some new life and acceptance. I have always grieved what she wasn't around to teach me about: love, life, sex, parenting.
I grieved a life that I wish I had had...one where I was thin and there was a balanced meal every night on the table and not Hungry Man TV Dinners in front of the TV by myself. I grieved a life where I wouldn't be allowed to eat a whole bag of chips in a sitting, or a box of Little Debbies.

My weight issues started before I was 5 years old. Now I am super attentive to what my kids eat and teaching them that they can't have a snack every 10 minutes.
I was at the checkout last night with lots of fruit and veggies and the cashier commented how healthy I was feeding my girls. I'm not super crazy about it, they still eat fruit snacks all the time and we go to McD's at least once a week, but I try to make sure their lives are balanced.

I always feared I would turn into my mother, because I was often depressed. But that fear has really changed me as a person for the better, because I know I would never leave my children even in the worst circumstances. I grieve for children that have no mother. I don't have a fondness for alcohol, so I don't need to worry about turning into a drunk. But now I have something to fear, something I can change. I don't want to die at 63. My mother was thin early in her life, but had gained weight as she aged. Then she died at 87 lbs. I don't want to have to be heading towards death to lose weight. I want to LIVE.

Follow me there, NOT here.

Even though I said I wasn't going to change blogs, I've decided to...sometimes change is good....send me a message if you want the new link!!

Jodie

Diet Coke Free

No, that is not the name of a new flavor of Diet Coke, but it is what I've been for 15 out of the last 18 days! I have a friend who is the youth pastor of a church and her youth group was doing 40 days of just water to raise money for the Blood Water Mission.(www.bloodwatermission.com). The organization helps in Africa with the water and AIDS crises. The gist is that you give up everything but tap water for the season of lent and then donate what you would have spent on other beverages to the Blood Water Mission. Considering I used to drink at least 6 cans of Diet Coke a day, they are going to get a pretty good donation from us. We have terrible tap water so we are using our cooler service (or else I wouldn't be able to sustain it, however we had a stockpile of water so we don't have to actually PAY for any water)

I wish that not having the caffeine flowing through my veins would change something about me, but it doesn't. I still crave sugar, I still am emotional. I'd like to blame something on caffeine, but I can't. I know that it is for the best NOT to have it in me and having all that water IS good. I may just continue on past the 40 days.

The Numbers Don't Lie.

Do you weigh more than 250 lbs? Well, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you weigh more than a baby elephant! I had the (um) good fortune to chaperone 2 zoo field trips this with each of my girls' kindergarten class. Although the elephants have been moved off site until they rebuild a new habitat, the scale was there for the kids to see how many of them would it take to weigh the same as a baby elephant. It would take about 6 kindergartners. It takes 1 of me. It's kind of a shocker to know that you weigh more than a baby elephant.

So, why the new blog? Some people who I know in "real life" read my blog. I became uncomfortable with always sharing what I was actually feeling. Things would happen that I wanted to blog about but I couldn't, because I feared retribution or judgment from those who "know" me. Blogging is very freeing, but it wasn't happening when I worried about what others were thinking. And I felt that I couldn't post the big failures. So here I am again! I'm at 285 or so. AGAIN. But I have my first goal. To weigh less than a baby elephant. Here we go again.

What's my excuse RIGHT NOW!?

Yesterday Suzanne Eller tweeted "What has God called you to do/be? Do that. Be that. But those things that are not in your control, place those in God's domain."

I was thinking on that idea when I thought to myself. "What's my excuse right now?" "In this moment?" And you know what? There wasn't one. I can look behind and see all the reasons I haven't been successful at weight loss...I can look ahead and see all the reasons I *might* not be successful (holidays, vacations, easter candy)..but in almost every moment there is no excuse why I can't be successful in THAT moment.

Whether you believe as God as the Creator of your body or not, we know that the body was not created to look like many of us do. What is it supposed to be like? Do that/Be That. In THIS moment. Don't worry about dinner or tomorrow or next month. In THIS moment treat your body the way it is supposed to be treated.

That is my plan, right now. And I am trying to put things (and people) that I am not in control of in God's domain. Because, in all honesty, it's those things that usually trip me up in many areas of my life!

Life, Loss, and Love

I wish I was tougher. I wish I didn't cry when people hurt me. I wish I let everything just roll off my back. I wish I lost my appetite when these things happened. But I am not and it does not.

My mother died last month. For those of you who are regular readers you might recall that I did not grow up with my mother and have only seen her twice in my life. We did not have much a relationship obviously, so her death has brought up lots of emotions. When she left (when I was 3) she took all the photos of us as children, so I have no pictures of me, or me with her my brother or my dad. When I sent my condolences to her husband (not my dad obviously) I asked if he would consider sending me some of those pictures

My brother and I have had a very tumultuous relationship my whole life. He is older and had sustained a quasi relationship. (meaning he might have only seen her a handful of times in the last 20 years).