Hope Sinks

I love the movie Hope Floats. I wrote on April 1st with renewed hope...but then that hope sank. There's always a million reasons...

I have been getting to the fitness center maybe once a week. I met with the personal trainer for an hour last Friday. My toe is still in it.

I asked the trainer when she made the decision to lose weight was the "switch flipped" with no turning back. She said that it was that way. I have a faulty switch. Something tripped it. I need to figure out how to switch it back on and keep it on.

I'll keep plugging away.

April 1st

Spring, ah spring! Today was a beautiful day...flowers are beginning to bloom on the tree just outside my sunroom window. We took the girls to a park to ride their bikes while my husband and I walked hand in hand behind them. It was perfect.

Ah, if only, no... I MUST keep these thoughts in my head. Those moments need to be the ones I think of...

I love spring..not as much as fall, but still I love it! I exercised once this past week at the fitness center, and a little bit of walking today. So not zero, but not enough.

I've eaten badly. I know this. I've still done it though. But tomorrow is a 1st. It's ALWAYS easier to rededicate on the beginning of a month. Especially the beginning of a spring month when it is supposed to be sunny and 70 degrees!! I'm oozing optimism here, friends - can you feel it...can you take some of it for yourself and your own motivation? Please do!

I've been reading some wonderful books lately. Wonderful, soul searching kind of books that really give me perspective on a lot.

The Mom I Want to Be - T. Suzie Eller. I read it through and now I want to go and read it again more in depth. It has really given me great perspective on my parenting and my abilities to make our lives better than what I had.

Self Talk, Soul Talk - Jennifer Rothschild. I'm a little less than half way through. It's about training ourselves to talk to ourselves in a positive way and ways that only encourage us. I love how she honestly says that it won't get rid of the negative stuff we think, but if we continue to practice positive self talk, eventually the good stuff will cover up a lot of the bad. I might quote some of her because a lot of what she writes can really apply to a weight loss battle.

The Last Child in the Woods - Richard Louv - This has nothing to do with weight loss or self improvement really, but it is a study about how children today have what the author terms as "nature deficit disorder" and how that is really causing them higher anxiety and greater inability to deal with stress. It's interesting so far.

This might be my favorite week of the whole year. Dubbed "Holy Week" by some, I love the week leading up to Easter. My favorite thing is Good Friday services. (growing up Catholic, I didn't even mind the stations of the cross that I went to with my Nana). I think that without an understanding the suffering and sorrow, we can't understand the hope and joy and truth of Easter.

HAPPY EASTER!! (in case I dont get around to posting again)

Science

I'm linking to a very interesting study done on rats and food addiction.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/hsn/20100328/hl_hsn/junkfoodaddictionmaybereal

The Rising of the Sun

I love sunrises. They may not be as beautiful as sunsets can be, but I love the hope and promise that a sun bursting out can bring for the day. Suns setting signal the end of something, while sun rises signal the beginning. A fresh day, a fresh start. Fresh hope.

I have a friend whose girlfriend has also had a difficult upbringing. Whose parents weren't the affirming, encouraging folks we all long to have. But she and I are different as night and day. While I find hope in each new day, a chance for redemption, she only sees the sorrow and hurt. She wonders how God could love her if he allowed those things in her life. She is miserable. On the outside she is a strong woman who has had a book published, who has worked in government circles, who even attended one of the inaugural balls for President Bush! Plus she's dating one of my very best friends but yet she feels God hates her and there is nothing good in her life. She's REALLY stuck. She gets through each day with no hope.

Now, I have had those feelings on occasion and I do murk through emotions about my upbringing on a daily basis usually, but when I look at life I do see blessings and hope and opportunity. I see love. This weight is my own prison of my own doing and I bear the brunt of the blame for it. And maybe, as Chris (A Deliberate Life) says when I deal with all of that stuff, get it all out there - because there is a lot that is still not out there) the weight will come off. I won't need to look to food.

Yesterday I went to a friends house for lunch. I brought a bag of potato chips with me. At one point in the meal the conversation went something like this..
Friend: Thanks for bringing the chips.
Me: No problem, I want to make sure you'll stay my friend (truth masked in humor)
Friend: Did you just say that? You don't really think that do you?
Me: Well I just want to make sure.

It's not the exact wording...but my friend called me out on it. And it was really the most wonderful thing. Because she knows me and isn't afraid to tell me when I'm lying to myself and correct it. I do have fear. Fear that today's friend won't care about me tomorrow. It has happened. It makes me nervous to trust people. So sometimes, subconsciously I think things like "If I bring the chips they will like me". Thank you friend, for loving me even if I don't bring the chips. And for giving me hope which is helping me heal.

Face to Face with the Enemy

I am tired. I don't feel I've quite caught up from the last few weeks. I had two weekends away, then daylight savings time, then this last trip where we lost another hour traveling east and making it back up coming home. I think my whole internal clock is confused.

So last night I woke up to scratching on the wall of my bedroom. I got up and looked out the window to see this huge animal on our house. It was a raccoon! It kept walking back and forth. Jumping down to our deck and back up to the overhang at our bedroom and back to the roof. At one point my husband and I knocked on the window to try to scare it to jumping off the house. Instead it came right up to the window and peaked in!! I was face to face with my enemy! (It actually was kind of a cute enemy)

Depression is not a cute enemy. Trying to go face to face with it,I did go to spin class yesterday. And then ate Oreos. I did not eat breakfast, but at oreos for lunch. I read books to help me be better but then they make me sad. I wish I was more like my husband. He has accomplished things he wanted to accomplish in life, he generally doesn't care what other people think about him and he is just laid back. I am the opposite, in all ways. We truly do balance because we are complete extremes. Facing the enemy is hard. Sometimes the enemy is myself. And I'm battling different enemies within myself a lot.

Today I realized why I get so upset when my kids make such a cluttered mess with their toys. Normally I get angry with them, but part of my learning about not punishing others for things that happened to me in my life brings questions to my mind. When I was about to blow my stack today for complete destruction of our family room while they were building a fort to play in, the thought came to my mind. "You are not angry with them, but you are angry because you grew up in clutter to the point where you had to stay out of your house for days while your family cleaned the house. And then you had DCFS visiting you in school asking you about your life and your Dad and you were afraid they were going to take you away. You were so happy to return home to a beautiful clean house, only for it to be dirtied and cluttered again so quickly." I took a deep breath and I told the girls, they could make a fort, but I would help them make it so they were not completely destroying the house. Stuff like this is my daily enemy that I have to go face to face with every day.

I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned it, but in high school I went to counseling once a week for a while. The counselor told me that despite my circumstances she was very impressed that my only "vice" was my weight. She was actually impressed! I was smart, had friends, did well in school, liked to read, volunteered, went to church. I was not on drugs or promiscuous or pregnant or a runaway. I'm fighting memories all day long, every day. I want so much to be a better person, physically, emotionally and spiritually. But it is hard. VERY hard. And for those who say "just get over it"...I'd like them to tell me how. Specifically...a step by step process. Because it ain't that easy.


Oh Spring, where art thou!?

When You Are BAD...

Bored
Anxious
Depressed

B.A.D. - this is when I tend to eat the most. When I binge, when I eat haphazardly. And it is BAD for my body and for my mind. It is BAD. Notice that hunger is not part of that acronym. I am rarely hungry.

Bored - Why do I even allow this to happen? There is always SOMETHING that I could do. Life is full of things to do, places to explore.

Anxious - Sometimes I get anxious. Waiting for a call, waiting for my husband to get home. Stressed about something I have to do. I want to start praying or reading instead of eating. There are much better things to do than be anxious.

Depressed - This is the toughest one because when I am depressed I really don't want to do anything but eat. It is a 30 year old habit that is very hard to break. Thankfully winter is mostly over and I can get outside more to help keep this at bay.

I was really stressed last night with the kids in our hotel room. Stressed to the shutdown depressed state. Blaming myself for bad parenting and inability to effectively discipline the kids. Thinking it was pointless to even try. My husband said to me. "You're stressed because you haven't had any time alone in a few weeks. You haven't been to the gym" He's right. One of the kids was sick with swollen tonsils and strep and I like to keep them out of commission a little longer when they are on antibiotics to protect other kids from their germs. So once we get back to Chicagoland tomorrow night, I need to get there more often if only to get time alone to de-stress.

Welcome to my 5 new readers! I'm grateful for you all. On this journey to get rid of the BAD and making it GREAT - Getting Required Exercise All the Time!!!

No more Sorrow, No More Pain

It is with much sadness that I post right now. A fellow blog friend, Bethany McDonald, passed away last night from a heart attack. She had a heart condition and was trying to lose some weight to help with that. Though we never met in person, she was one of my first readers and always one to encourage me whatever state I was in. She was young and lovely with a gentle spirit. She was one of the bloggers I wrote about the other day when I said I would not stop following even though the scale was not in her favor. She wrote from her heart. I am sad that I will not get to hear from her again. I am sad for her husband and 2 young children she leaves behind.
But through my tears, I am comforted to know what she believed in and to Whom she belonged. I believe that she will be made perfect in Heaven. I am reminded of this song by artist Chris Tomlin

"I Will Rise"

There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say "It is well"

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

There's a day that's drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

And I hear the voice of many angels sing,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the cry of every longing heart,
"Worthy is the Lamb"

Bethany's name was called, and now she can be pain free, sorrow free in a new body. I will pray for those she left here on earth. Those who will feel sorrow and pain. That they will find peace and comfort in this sad time.

Although she won't be able to encourage on earth, this was her blog: www.bethanymcdonald.blogspot.com I hope you'll take a minute and just get to know a fabulous woman, who if we knew each other personally, I'm sure we'd be "in life" friends.