Mom-cation!

I just returned from Pheonix Arizona where I had a 5 day Mom-Cation.  When I quit my job to stay home again, I told my husband that I need to take some time each year just for me for a trip.  Last year I went to Disneyworld by myself, this year I went to Arizona to visit a girlfriend (and one of my former fitness instructors).

I had such a refreshing time and managed to even lose weight!  I went to the Grand Canyon, Sedona, Desert Botanical Garden, Queen Creek Olive Oil Company Tour, The Musical Instrument Museum, Frank Lloyd Wright's Taliesen West, The Phoenix Zoo, Hole in the Rock...just so much  It was wonderful!   I ate great food and didn't worry about what I was eating. 

So I'm back, feeling more refreshed, more committed.

I made my April goal (maybe a few days late but it's ACHIEVED!) - 30 lbs gone.

I hope all is well!

Stalled

No blogging usually means no losing and that's about the gist of it.  Part of the month was slow because that's the way weight loss can be, but part of the month was slow because I wasn't taking care of myself and eating way too much too often. 

Depression is a soul sucking disease.  And while I am thankful I don't suffer the way that many do, it still knocks me off my feet and any deviation or weird thing that happens throws me off.

My ankle took a turn for the worse so I need to go back in to a different doctor to have it looked at.  After a year and half, I'm going to be rather annoyed if they tell me I need surgery now, but something has to be done.  I tried to start running again and the impact on it must have messed with it.  It's bearable, but irritating.

I also had a weird blister/boil near my privates, that after some research figured it was just a result of sweat and hair follicles, but it was still weird and made me feel self conscious (even though noone but me and my hubby could see it).

And it's the 3 year anniversary of my Dad's death.  The worst thing of his death was the timing.    He died on March 24th, 2013 (which happened to be Palm Sunday).  We couldn't do services until after Easter because of Catholic rules.   So while there is an actual date of death, from Palm Sunday til Easter is kind of always shot for me, because it was the worst week of my life in 2013.  

Just annoying things that take me off track.

I'm going to Phoenix on Thursday to visit a friend for a few days.  I've never been and I'm taking a bus tour to the Grand Canyon.  I'm very excited!  Hopefully it will set my mind straight and get me back on track for April!

A step back, a step forward - and Gumby.

I had a little set back last week.  3 days of constant eating.  And by that I mean binge eating.  The scale went up, but it's gone back down again quickly.  I was PMS'ing so that may be why I went a little crazy.  Every since I had Charlotte I have had terribly moody PMS.  It wasn't nearly as bad before.

On a positive note, I am feeling definitely more mobility.  I took Charlotte to the park the other day and just all around felt it easier to move and chase her around.  Body Flow is also becoming easier.   There is a particular move called Standing Camel, that I had to ask the instructor if I was doing it right because it just seemed so easy.  Yep, I'm right, just "bendy".  My friend was with my Friday and as she watched me doing it, she said, "What the heck, are you Gumby?"  That made me feel good.

I've just got to keep moving forward and keep my eyes focused on what matters to me.  And remember that one slip up doesn't delete all my progress from the last 2 months! 

I'm 25% complete.

I'm a little late in posting my February results.  I was a little nervous this month because my weight loss just slogged along at a seemingly glacial pace.  But the last week was a winner and I ended up with a total of 10.4 pounds lost.

Added to last months, I have lost 25.2 lbs since the beginning of the year!! 

I worked out 23 out of 29 days. 

The problem with the second month is that it is as NEVER good as the first month - unless you cheated your way through the first month.

I'm feeling good.  My body is achy a lot but I keep moving forward.

Here's me and my baby girl at an Oscar party that I just held.  I like this photo.

An Important Anniversary

Today is an important anniversary.  It has been 4 years since I first lost 100 lbs.   I still have 77 lbs to go to get back to that weight.  I feel good mostly about how my weight loss is going now, but I'm sad too to realize that I was once under 200 lbs for a short period of time before I became pregnant. 

I'm doing all the same things that I did before to try to get back to where I was.  I want to remember this day and hopefully by the end of the year, I will have a new anniversary.  The Second time I lost 100 lbs.

Happy Friday!

Sometimes the Small Stuff IS the Big Stuff

I've been miserable the last few days.  Some of it has to do with that time of month, but really a lot of it has to do with the situation I'm going to describe.  At first glance and feeling, it is an immature, ridiculous reason to be so upset, but nevertheless I was.  When I was searching for more reason for why I was upset, I hit upon something that made it actually a really big thing.

Last summer, while I wasn't going to the gym at all because I was working, something happened with the husband of one of my gym friends that caused him to get kicked out of our health club.  He had been inappropriate with one of the instructors and that's all I know about it.  I only found out about it months after since I wasn't there at the gym.  I was at a party in October and she mentioned she had switched clubs and I said, OMG, why?  She told me that it was a long story. 

This particular friend (and we aren't really that great of friends) has an annual Oscar watching party.  When I didn't get an invitation this year, I figured that she wasn't having it because of all the drama and the fact that most of the people she had invited from years past were from our healthclub.

Turns out she was having it, but was "keeping it small".  I wasn't really hurt about it until pretty much everyone else that had been invited in years past (with the exception of a few) was invited this year.  I wasn't quite sure why I was excluded.  Pretty much what came down as the only way to figure it was that I am good friends with some people at the club that had a falling out with this woman after her husband had had his bad behavior because they wouldn't believe that he wasn't doing it.  So it appears that I am collateral damage.  I never picked a side since I didn't know a darn thing about it, but because I am good friends with people who did pick a side (not her husband's) then I am guilty by association.

So I decided I wasn't going to let it get me down and have planned a swell party of my own, with some other group of friends.  But as I've been getting ready for it, Ive been getting increasingly stressed and emotional.  I think today I figured out why.  I don't like being left behind.  My mother left when I was young.  All my college friends married well before me and had kids well before me.  I was getting left behind.  I didn't embrace opportunities, rather I let it make .me miserable until I found someone to love and marry and have children.   

So my best guess is that I am feeling left behind since most of my fitness friends will be at this party.  They all know I wasn't invited and don't know why.  I guess I live in fear that they will drift away from me just when I'm getting a foot back into the world of health and I NEED them for motivation.  Maybe they will all have a good laugh that I was upset about it.   Who knows. 

So initially I was berating myself that I was just being stupid for being upset that I wasn't invited to a party.  I'm not a teenager for crying out loud!! I was sweating the small stuff!   But it wasn't about the party.   It wasn't about the girl throwing the party.  It was about my own fear.  The voices that tell me I'm not good enough or I would have been invited.

 My party will be great.  I will have a blast.  But I still wish I didn't have to feel this way. 

You need to be You, I need to be me...

I ran into a friend yesterday at the Oscar Shorts Festival.  I hadn't seen her in a long while and the last communication we had was regarding how I was going to stop inviting her over to do things, because every time she turned me down.  It was an honest conversation.  I told her I am still her friend, but I couldn't continue feeling rejected.  She accepted that so well and explained she just isn't a people person like that and she really  likes keeping to herself.

When we were chatting about that yesterday, I said something that was rather profound, but so full of truth.  I told her "You need to be who you are and do what you need for you, and I need to be me and do what I need for me."  It was kind of a cathartic moment.  I thought about it and realized that noone should try to be what I need them to be for ME.  I think I get caught up in that a lot.  If they loved me they would.... If they really cared they would have.... 

My sister in law once told my brother when he asked her to tone down a bit (she's quite gregarious and a fashion plate) in front of our family and she told him "You be you, and I'll be me"

Why is this so hard for people. 

I am thoughtful.  I think about people all the time.  I'm a people pleaser.  But that is not every one.  Everyone should not have to be like me.    I wish that someday I will meet someone like me.  Someone who send flowers to a friend just to let her know you were thinking about her.  Someone who calls me from a store because something I mentioned was on sale and would she like me to pick it up for her.  The little things..

But for now, I will be making more efforts at accepting people for who they are and not who I want them to be towards me.  I think there will be freedom in that.  Freedom to be exactly who I want to be and not trying to make myself into what I think others want me to be.